Tuesday, March 30, 2010

The Stories We Tell Ourselves

I made an observation the other day about riding the bus and how it made me nostalgic for junior high/high school bus rides. Dana made a comment about those were painful memories for her. And that got me to thinking that for a long time I believed that about my experience as well - (certainly not making any judgments on Dana's experience here) - it's only been recently that I feel like I can look back and get different, more complete perspective. Yes, a lot of that was painful and for the very reason Dana cited - "Kids can be cruel." But there were also fun times. I'm finding myself looking back and smiling a bit more, rather than cringing.

I also saw a 1978 Monte Carlo the other day and just busted out laughing. I drove a POS like that and felt such shame about it. Parts would just fall off of it - I can't even tell you how bad this car was - and I can finally laugh about it, rather than feel shame. I guess what I'm trying to get at is that we view our own history, our own selves through the lens of our personal perspective and experience and sometimes we are wrong. It's interesting to get a different viewpoint when I let up a bit on the grip my stories/truths had on me. The more I let go of those things, the more new things come to me - in the form of joy and laughter.

Another story that I told myself was that I didn't like people. Turns out, I like people just fine. I like being around people and if I am "open", then people respond to me. I'd created my own experience and created a self-fulfilling prophecy by walking around with, well, I won't call it a scowl, but certainly a "deep in thought" look that really was an avoidance tactic. I used to want to be invisible and now I don't.

It will be interesting to see in how many other ways and in other areas of my life I've been telling myself stories that are no longer true. One fabulous thing about recovery work is that you get to poke and prod around for just those things.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Bring your thoughts into the light for some examination.


Monday, March 29, 2010

Wandering and Wondering

Yesterday was lovely. I headed out after church to walk to, through and from the gardens. It was a gorgeous day and the crowds were out in force. It really was an active, walking meditation. I hadn't had much time to even think beyond what was going on workwise, so some time in the garden, enjoying the flowers and the people was wonderful. The gardens are the backdrop of lots of family portraits, so dressed-alike groups, engaged couples and children were being posed and photographed yesterday. Great fun to see.

I did have a blast from the past, and not in a good way. I ran into my former brother-in-law. He's divorced from my former SIL and it was a bitter, brutal deal. They were that couple that brought their battles public and expected everyone to choose up sides. And in this, she was more guilty than he, but he's always just skeeved me out in ways that I can't put my finger on. Evidently he doesn't live in the area anymore, as when I congratulated him on his new grandson, he hadn't even seen him. Oh, well, not my pig. I dodged all questions as to why I was at the gardens and what was going on with me. Don't want that crazy nosing around my business, for sure.

Also had sometime to think about something that I heard at a meeting recently that has really stuck with me - "I want you to change so that I can feel better". I've been mulling this over and trying to determine how it applies to me. And I think it does, especially in the situation with Bick. While I believe that I've done a decent job of staying out of his recovery, there is a part of this that gives over my power and my RESPONSIBILITY for my own happiness to him and his recovery. And that is unfair to both of us. It's time for me to further adjust my thinking about this as we transition away from being a couple. My happiness doesn't depend upon Bick and while I can and will continue to care for and be concerned about him, as I am about all the important people in my life, his outcomes are his, and they don't control mine. That is my responsibility and I must own it.

Left the gardens and walked to see an AKC dog show. Now I've been to all kinds of horse shows, a few llama shows and I've seen some donkey and mule shows. But other than sheep dog competitions, I'd never seen a dog show up close and personal. And I thought Arabian horse shows were flooofy and puffy. Wow, is all I can say.

Ended up being out for a couple of hours and as it turned out, should have stayed gone longer. Got snacky in POD's "Hominy Oatcake" way. Next time, I need to practice better distraction techniques if I don't intend to snack my way through the day. Good thing there wasn't a drop of chocolate in the house!

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Accept responsibility for all areas of your life.


Sunday, March 28, 2010

Sunday Serenity

I've just a few minutes until I leave for meditation and church. The weekend is a nice balance to the work craziness of last week. Next week promises more of the same workwise. Yesterday I went to a meeting and then headed up to Bick's to pick up our camping equipment. Slater is taking Pebbles on her first ever no-frills-whatsoever camping trip for her birthday next weekend. I cannot wait to hear how this goes! So I delivered the equipment to Dallas and Pebbles and I headed out to spend the day together. I had a gift certificate burning a hole in my pocket and I wanted a few items. Slater is in San Diego visiting his guy friends for another bachelor's weekend of trail biking and hiking (yea, right)!

Pebbles took me to Northparkmall. OMG. I'd never been there. The rich really are different. I mean, I've lived close to the apparent affluence, but never really saw it up close. NPM carries Rodeo Drive type stores. And even non-Rodeo stuff that I'd never seen. And with good cause. Anthropology? Could be addictive to me and I'm not even a shopper! Of course I kept my purchases to my usual discount trio - Marshall's - where I found my summer suit for the cost of my gift certificate. Plus I bought three bras at Ross'. My everyday bras were getting pretty ragged looking - and is my wont when I end a relationship, all the relationship lingerie goes bye-bye.

It was lovely to spend the day with just my kiddo without any time constraints - we had a lovely time and I bought her a couple of things she picked out, as next week is her birthday. She'll be 27 and is having a bit of a hard time with that. Oh dear lord, by the time I was 27, I'd screwed up my life in ways that would take years to undo. I assured her she is a spectacularly young 27.

My plans today include some party pre-planning. I'm organizing a dinner for my coworkers (Dutch treat - what's the pc way to say that?) here in this new development, and them I'm having everyone up for dessert and coffee week after next. So I borrowed some folding chairs from Pebbles and made a full 12 cup pot of coffee this morning, as I've never made that much coffee in this coffee pot. So I'm drinking my first cup of homemade coffee in a couple of weeks. That trial run was a success. I've got some paperwork to organize in order to be more adult-like and better prepared for tax season next year. But immediately after church, I think I'll walk to the Botanic Gardens. Sounds like a lovely way to spend a Sunday afternoon, yes?

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Be Present in your life.


Thursday, March 25, 2010

Juggling Chainsaws

Work is like juggling chainsaws these days. First week of testing an upgraded ERP. I've got more balls in the air than The Flying Wallenda Brothers. I've got lots to do, so I'm heading to the office early to try to get a handle on it. This is the exciting, fun, brain stress, not the chest-crushing kind, so I'll be fine. I've got another week or so of this and then, well, the next stuff won't be much better. Opportunities! It feels really good to be fully-engaged with my work.

Tonight is Girls' Night Out which will be dinner right across the street at my fav place. It will be a challenge to eat on program, because, well SMORES! But I'll make a plan before I go and it will be fine.

Gotta Run!

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Fully Engage.


Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Adult Content

No, not the fun kind. The unfun kind. I'm taking this afternoon off to go do unfun things: 1. Go pick up a replacement 1099 from my bank, 2. go visit the CPA to discuss taxes, 3. go get my tires rotated and aired up, as MalibuKen sent me an email stating that his hindend was feeling a bit deflated, 3. drop off clothes at the dry cleaners, and 4. go grocery and household supply shopping.

It's funny about the household supplies. I moved into The Closet about 3.5 months ago and had to stock with detergents, cleaners, etc. Everything seems to be running out at the same time!

I've been doing a lousy job of keeping track of my intentions, with the exception of mileage, so I'll probably pull some of them. The "No Spend" days are probably the worst offender, as I routinely don't spend money now. I guess I was just feeling a bit weird at the time due to the expense of getting set up here. Felt like things were a bit out of control, which had me feeling a bit odd. I'm back to my old, normal dull self, so no need to track what doesn't need attention.

I'm doing a decent job of tracking my mileage and I obviously set the bar way too low there. And now that the weather is nice, I'm shooting for 4 times a week bus riding. It pretty silly how much I'm enjoying riding the bus. It's very relaxing, for some reason and I think a lot about riding the bus into town for school when I was a teenager. Fun, nostalgic stuff.

Food good. Exercise good. Yoga class today then off for the afternoon for the aforementioned unsoothing activities.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Buck up, Buttercup.


Monday, March 22, 2010

Boring Weekend

Yucky weather over the weekend. More SNOW! Howling winds. General malaise. Not bad, not great, just sorta blah. I stayed in and didn't do much. Got my hair colored. Went to a meeting and to church. Saw Alice In Wonderland, which was spectacular.

Exercised. Ate well. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Be good even when the weather isn't.


Saturday, March 20, 2010


Today is cold, rainy and very, very unspringlike. I did not want to get out in it to go to meeting, but I did. The rest of the day is a housekeeping day. Not that there is a lot to do, but it's probably time to rearrange my closet within The Closet. I've got some laundry to do, then I'm going to hit the gym. I was lucky enough to get a last minute appointment to get my hair colored this afternoon. My "crack" was showing. I've also got to get some paperwork together for my appointment with the cpa next week. Not fun adult-type stuff.

In other really good news, the rift seems to be healing over the family smackdown of last weekend. The cousin who never apologizes actually called my sister and apologized. Will wonders ever cease? Just goes to show that even if I HAD stepped in, I couldn't have created the best situation. So whew! If what my sister told me was truth (I sometimes doubt her, but that's another show), then she expressed herself and her boundaries very well. She's still hurt, but willing to look at the situation from a different perspective.

I've had to put in comment moderation - if commenting after one day, and may have to do so for all comments. Spammers are getting a bit more inventive - if it's not on topic, then it's spam. Am I the only one this is happening to? Oh, well.

I've got clothes to fold, which is the bane of my existence. I'd rather scrub toilets! Isn't that weird?

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Clean house.


Friday, March 19, 2010

I'll Have the Lu Ann

It sort of feels like I'm driving my golf cart to Luby's in Del Webb's Sun City and ordering the Lu Ann Platter at 4:30 in the afternoon. With a side of stewed prunes. That's what buying eggbeaters feels like to me. A commenter suggested it and I succumbed. Truth is, I like them much better than just the plain egg whites that I have used in the past. I've been preparing omelets for myself each morning and they stick with me. I'm not getting hungry. I'm not dipping into my lunch before lunch time and the omelets, filled with chopped veg, are really good. I just need to get over the whole "eggbeaters are for old people and I'm not THAT old" thing. Face it, Roxie, you've joined the ranks of those who pay close attention to their health. Wanna play name that symptom?

I've been fixing big salads lately and so while I'm chopping up stuff for the salads in the evening, I just chop a little extra of whatever to go in the morning omelet. Fast and easy. Using just this strategy, I've been able to up my fiber content a bit and lower my fat intake. And stay un-hungry along the way. Thanks to the suggestor.

Weekend plans are sparse. Weather is supposed to be yucky, back down to the freezing mark over the weekend, so I'll have to get creative. It may be a good time to tie myself down in a chair and do some reading. We'll see.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. "Hey, kid, get off of my lawn!"


Thursday, March 18, 2010

Move Along. Nothing to See Here.

I've got nothing much to say this morning and that's a good thing. Work is kicking my butt, but in that good way. I'm getting a lot done and feeling good about the work I'm doing. Had a good workout last night and enjoyed the spectacle. My gym is on the 3rd floor and gives a beautiful view of the hottest bar in town with this amazing outdoor balcony/deck/levels. It really is a great facility. Anyways, from my viewpoint on the elliptical, I could see all sorts of people sporting all sorts of Saint Patrick's Day fashions heading that way. It was a fun and funky fashion parade.

And speaking of the wearing of the green, be careful when you take a big ass spinach salad to work for your lunch. That's all I'm saying.

I've got nothing much else. Got a meeting tonight and one on Saturday. Nothing else on the activity calendar. I need to get busy and remedy that. I need to have some plans in place. I may choose not to execute them, but they need to be there.

Speaking of plans, I let the family drama take the spotlight, but I had a wonderful weekend last weekend. Went to an etsy-styled sale which was fabulous. I didn't buy anything, but it sure makes me want to sew something! And then I had dinner with a couple of longtime friends. It was spectacular to catch up. On Sunday, Bick called to tell me he had harvested the winter garden and had brussels sprouts for me and dinner. So I had dinner with him on Sunday evening. I fixed some of the brussels sprouts last night. Roasted with olive oil and balsamic vinegar. Yummy.

Good things I did yesterday:

1. Drank some water.
2. Took my vitamins
3. Brushed my teeth 3 times. (See above note on spinach salad).

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Enjoy it while it lasts.


Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Faulty Wiring

The Closet is part of a mixed-use development. There are all sorts of retailers and restaurants going in on the ground levels around here. The "lofts" don't start until the second floor. I think the false alarms are as a result of all the work going on getting the retailer spaces ready for occupancy. It's like a beehive around here almost 24 hours a day as this area is turning into a destination spot within the city. I think this work is causing the false alarms. They may be happening all day, every day, but I'm not here in the daytime to know.

I've actually been thinking a lot about wiring lately. Not the spaghetti wiring like we saw in Puerto Rico. Unfortunately, I didn't get a really good picture of it. Drove Bick, the electrical guy, nuts just looking at it. What I've been thinking about is the connection between the brain and binge/compulsive eating. I know that I've probably read about this somewhere along the way, but it's only recently became apparent to me that in my case, I've wired my brain to consider food as the appropriate response to anxiety. I've created these responses, starting years ago as a child. As they say, when all you've got is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. Well, all I had to comfort, soothe, whatever was ailing me was food. And so I used it. When I was sad, I ate. When I was anxious, I ate. When I was angry, I ate. And just like Pavlov's dogs, I created this as a response in me. Over time, I created these "faux" hungers to which I want to respond to by eating. Which is really great news, I think. Because if I created it, if I programmed my brain to behave this way, then I can reprogram it. I can create new responses to certain stimuli. Now I'm no brain surgeon, nor do I play one on tv, but I have spent a large part of my life in the "woe is me, I have this disorder", which I do, but I can go a long way in relieving myself of some of the symptoms. I don't know that I'll ever really be completely over it, but I can surely mitigate some of it.

I've actually been thinking about this for several days and serendipitously, I caught Dr. Amen's show on beg week last night on PBS while at the gym. His basic theory is that the brain shows five different patterns that lead to overweight. I don't know that I believe all he had to say, but there is certainly some personal truth in it for me.

Now on to the frustrating things. Speaking of my brain, my big old head is too big for my sleep mask. It helped keep me awake last night, as it was too tight. I'll have to re-engineer it before sleepy time tonight. And in further scale frustrations, while I am not actively trying to lose weight, I am looking for tweak my food into a more optimal health combination. So yesterday, I consumed 1300 calories and got in 600 plus exercise calorie burn throughout the day and I gained ANOTHER half a pound. Evidently, I have a very delicate flower of a personal ecosystem and I don't take to change very well, no matter how gradual. I know this isn't permanent, it can't be, but it sure is interesting to watch. Obviously, I've programmed my digestive system to behave in a certain way, as well. Sigh.

Treadmilling at lunch, I think.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Retrain your brain.


Tuesday, March 16, 2010

False Alarm

This is getting to be annoying. Last night, just as I was getting ready to go to bed, the fire alarm went off and off and off. This has happened about six times since I moved into The Closet. Normally, other than that time I smelled smoke, they go off after a couple of cycles. Last night, however, it kept going on forever. When I heard the fire department pull in, I finally gave up and marshalled MalibuKen out of the parking garage and headed over to Target to kill some time. Because nothing screams classy like trolling through Target at 10:00 in your pjs. I bought a sleep mask and some spray starch. Wonder what the clerk thought I was going to do with that combination. Probably too fetishy for my imagination.

I came back home and the damned thing was still going off. I sat in the parking garage with the radio on for another half an hour. I am tired this morning. Oh well, nothing to be done about that.

And why, you might ask, did I need to buy another sleep mask? Well it seems that I've lost my other one in the Candy-Spelling-vastness of my home. I cannot imagine what has happened to it. I've looked high and low, stripped the beds, and I cannot find it. Of course, I'm expecting it to show up tomorrow. Probably in the fridge. Oh well. This new one is bright blue, so it won't be as easily lost.

Got in a good workout last night and fixed myself a really nice (huge) salad for dinner - topped with grilled tilapia. I've begun charting my food, not for quantity but for quality. I'm trying to increase my fiber content and decrease the overall fat consumption to try to deal with my elevated LDL numbers. Turns out that yesterday I ate 1200 calories (lower than I like), had a nice workout and gained a half a pound. This is why I hate weighing and measuring. I'm trying to keep everything the same and just work on changing up the breakfasts. So I've weighed, just to see how these food tweaks are affecting me. I've had Greek yogurt with fresh blueberries and some flax seed meal for breakfast for the last two days. This morning is an eggbeaters omelet with mushrooms, onions and roasted red peppers. Sure looks good.

Mid-day workout will be the elliptical, I think - unless something else just screams my name. I'm planning an evening easy workout, followed by a spinach salad, topped with salmon and blueberries. Are we sensing a superfood theme? Yea, me too.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Be super with your food.


Monday, March 15, 2010

Lunch Update

The lunch went well. We focused on how she was feeling after all of this and how to deal with those feelings. We talked about being reactive and ways to give ourselves a little breathing room in order to rationally assess situations before taking action.

We talked about the differences between looking out for oneself and being selfish. We talked very little about other people involved and kept the focus on her. It was good.

Tiptoeing Through The Tulips

I'm just writing this entry to help prepare for my afternoon. It's a post to center me and help me visualize what I need to do and where I need to be when I'm tip-toeing through a minefield.

There's a scene at the end of an Arnold movie, where he's walking away and stuff is blowing up and on fire behind him. I feel like Arnold today.

Looks like the Family Acrtic Freeze came pretty quickly to an end as the rest of the family exploded into a free-for-all shouting match on Saturday night that included my Mother, Sister, Aunt and cousin. Gauntlets were thrown down, passed actions thrown up into people's faces and names were called. As it was described to me by my Mom, it was pretty ugly. The bottom line is my sister is getting the worst end of the deal. Her inability to see our Mom with any clarity is causing her to jump in and defend when Mom is really in an indefensible position. And all of this has to do with the family's financial entanglements. Boy, do I look brilliant based upon last week's decision. When all this was being relayed to me, my only response was along the lines of "That's unfortunate" or "I'm so sorry this has happened". I did not jump in. I did not preach. I just let it be.

So here is my dilemma. I am a codie, but working on it. As such, I want to help my sister out with this. But she is so enmeshed in the family, that she can't see her way out. And it's my guilt over her being "left behind" that has kept me tangled for far too long. Backstory, she's almost like a daughter to me. She'll be 35 next month. So she called me this morning and I could tell she's hurting, so I invited her to lunch today. It will be a real test of my recovery to let her own her own stuff. Think good thoughts for me, okay? And her too. I know that she is an adult and is now responsible for seeing her own way through this. She's got me as a "model" if she wants to use it.

My plan is to just listen and do not offer advice unless she specifically asks "Sis, what do you think I should do?" Then I can offer my opinion and let go of the outcomes.

Eating has been on track. I even stared down the chips at a Tex-Mex restaurant on Saturday night and WON! Exercise could be better. I'll have the opportunity to correct that - I started to say today, but since I'm seeing my sister at lunch, it will be this evening.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. I am powerless over people.


Thursday, March 11, 2010

Making Adjustments

I didn't start out with the intention of making these adjustments, they just sort of happened. And I'm happy with them.

For whatever reason, I've been requiring more sleep lately. Not in a depression way, it's just that I've been sleep deprived for decades and I decided that an extra hour is a good thing. So I've moved my morning workouts to the evening which has a three-fold benefit: 1. Extra sleep in the morning, 2. Exercise, and most importantly, 3. Less time to troll through the kitchen with dramatically reduces the "hominy oatcake" opportunities.

Turns out, I've also stopped with the coffee in the morning. And why not? It's never been a lifelong habit with me, I just picked it up while living with Bick. It wouldn't be a big deal if I drank the stuff black, but as previously written, I drink coffee punch - real cream and fake sugar. So why not just leave off those calories? I haven't even missed it. I'm at a point in my maintenance that further calorie restriction feels, well, restrictive and I have a really hard time with this.

Yes, I'd like to get into the 140's and be able to stay there, but these last few pounds are difficult and if I get there by restrictive means, I won't stay for long. Witness the last year - I think I've dipped down there a couple of times, only to come back up. So, I'll take this easy shot at shaving off a few calories while I can with the whole weekday morning coffee. I cannot out-train a bad diet.

And speaking of adjustments, I got the results of my bloodwork back. Seems while my overall cholesterol is okay, my bad numbers are too high. So I do need to work that out. I probably eat too many eggs, as it's been my breakfast staple for ages. I need to investigate perhaps quinoa as a breakfast cereal. Everyone's fallback steel-cut oats doesn't work for me, so I've got to find something else. Eggwhite omelets are also on the horizon. It will take some adjustments there, as if I don't get enough good fats in my diet, then I stay unsatisfied.

Today is restorative yoga at lunch - I really look forward to that relaxing time. And I've got a meeting tonight.

As for the Planes, Trains and Automobiles, well, I've allowed that to be off the table for now. I've agreed to keep The GrandBeast (and his CRATE) for the holiday weekend while the kids go camping. He's adorable and wonderful when he's not left alone, so I agreed only if I can crate him when I have to leave. Otherwise, I'm hoping for good weather. Hell, if they weather is bad, they won't be camping.

But I did take some time to look into this. The train does sound interesting, but I don't know that OKC does. I could go to Hot Springs, but when I mentioned this to Pebbles her response was "Jesus, Mom, are you like seventy?" Plus she told me to make sure I wasn't confusing train travel in other areas with train travel here. She's done the OKC a few times - anyone remember Little Drummer Boy? (Gotta google him). She said it's not a fun experience - however, her idea and mine may be different. And of course, I'd love to visit AZ again and hike with the dear Dana, but I don't know that I can get there before the summer heat does. So, this is all still up in the air, or should I say grounded for now. But I am going to keep an eye out. Something fun to think about.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Adjust when necessary.


Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Sunny Day

Yesterday was a gorgeous day. I enjoyed my bus ride, even taking the longer walk home just to be outside a bit longer to enjoy the mid-70s temps and sunshine. Sunshine is definitely good for what ails ya.

Yoga yesterday was awesome. These sessions of classes have a new yoga instructor and she's pretty tough. Yesterday's class was pretty intense, but was ultimately so relaxing. There's nothing like a good yoga session to help me feel good in the skin that I'm in.

Spent some time in the kitchen last night and did some real cooking. I've mostly been doing "assemblying" and not much creating of anything with more than just a couple of ingredients. Last night I prepared some okra and tomatoes and enjoyed the whole prep experience. Chopping can be therapeutic. I followed it up with some recovery reading/literature/journaling.

Today I've got a spin class and I plan to follow up with some lifting this evening. I've decided to take a break from the scale for a while, but I am wearing a pair of slacks that in order to wear, things have to be dead on. So there is that.

I've got a shopping day planned with a friend on Saturday. There's an etsy-styled craft show going on close to home, along with an antique show. She's asked me to be the brakes for her shopping bobsled team and I'm happy to oblige. I'm enjoying the company of the girls.

As for Bick, I'm aware of the odds, but remain hopeful. I'm grateful that he's making his first step. I want him to be at peace. I wished him well. This is something he must do on his own.

I've got a long holiday weekend coming up and am thinking of taking a getaway. My pattern would be to stick close to home. My patterns have pretty much failed me in the past. So, I'll be thinking about what and where sounds interesting. Plans, Trains or Automobiles?

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Wish them the best.


Tuesday, March 9, 2010

His email said

Day 2.

Feats Don't Fail Me Now

Randomness is the theme of the day. Not enough to make a real entry and certainly nothing cohesive.

Decided I needed to get back on my feet and walking. I moved here specifically to get out in the world. So this morning, I rode the bus to work which entails a few block walk to the bus stop. I also determined that my wellies (just like the one's pictured) will be my sacrificial shoes for the spring. I can wear them with skirts (as I did today) to the bus stop, or I can tuck my "must wear with heals" long suit pants into them for the treks to and from the stops. Oh, and a man on the bus told me I looked like an architect this morning. Or an interior designer. I told him he was very kind. I am assuming he was being kind.

ABC's pre-Oscar show was shudder inducing.

SarahJessicaParker looked very pointy and orange at the Oscars. There is such a thing as too thin.

Macauley Culkin(sp) looked pitiable.

The Dude won an Oscar.

Helen Murrin is my hero. Awesome.

I loved the Neil Patrick Harris opening number. I think I'm in the minority.

Who knew Kanye had an aunt and she'd show up at the Oscars. Craziness.

I went to the Warhol exhibit and saw the Campbell's soup cans. One was Pepper Pot. I don't remember Pepper Pot Campbell's soup. I googled it up and it's TRIPE! No wonder it's not a big seller.

The man from AZ with whom I had a relationship with prior to Bick has been circling me on Facebook. He's been friending friends. I blocked him. Don't need that crap in my life.

I'm still in the midst of the Great Family Artic Freeze and Silent Treatment. It will last indefinitely.

I spent some time last night adding events to my activity calendar. It will be my "go to" thing when I need distraction, need to get out of the house and out of my own head. I'm having a really tough time concentrating. So rather than berate myself for my lack of focus, I just tell myself I'm trying on new things for size. See reading, knitting, fashion, whatever else I've conjured up

Exercise and food yesterday was spot on.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Get on your feet.


Monday, March 8, 2010

The Dude Abides

Really nice day yesterday. I slept late and then fixed the kiddos a nice brunch. We ate and headed out to hit a couple of museums. I am very fortunate to live practically in the backyard of some of the finest museums. Pebbles and Slater headed back to Big D and I headed up to Bick's for dinner in the evening. He fixed a nice dinner and we watched a bit of the Oscar ceremony.

We had a good dinner and a good conversation. I expressed to him my health concerns and I will let it go at that. I remain hopeful, but detached.

I slept late again this morning - no a.m. workout. I decided I will try to go this evening for my lifting. I don't normally like evening workouts, but I seem to be needing sleep and I'll try this for a while to see how it works.

Oh, and I bought myself a bouquet of flowers because I love the thistley things.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Do the next right thing.


Sunday, March 7, 2010


"I want you to change so that I can feel okay."

Those were the words spoken by someone at meeting yesterday morning and that perfectly summed up my feelings about the recent interaction with the family. I let the outcomes/reactions bother me. I am not responsible for those and it's silly of me to assume that me changing the way I've always done things will go unnoticed. I need to let go of any attachment to unrecognized outcomes. I KNOW this, but just forgot it and let it bother me too much. Roxie, don't get attached to outcomes. So the meeting/feedback here was good. Also sleeping in until 8:30, which is unheard of for me.

And as for Bick, well, I can't control of have expectations for those outcomes either. I do, however, consider this a life-threatening situation. So I will voice my concerns about seeking out at least an RX to assist and the choices will be up to him.

I've sort of missed church this morning, so I'll poke around the internets for some guided meditation and perhaps drag out the yoga mat this morning. The kiddos should be over in a couple of hours and I'm looking forward to that.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. I am responsible for me. Only.


Saturday, March 6, 2010

PING PING PING Ricochet Rabbit

Yesterday had me bouncing around like a pinball machine. I've got so much going on inside my head that I was unable to sleep last night. So this morning I am writing it down and letting it go. Then I will get on with doing what's good for me.

Firstly, I am working to create a relationship with my family that works and is safe for me. My initial reaction to this is to avoid, which is an end-of-spectrum behavior common to codependents. I know that this isn't a good strategy for me in the long run, so I try to make the effort to see them in short, fairly controlled ways. A dinner here, a meal there. I want to keep myself from getting re-enmeshed and that requires constant vigilance, because it's where I lived for decades and it's the easiest path to return to. So I'd invited my Mom and sister to breakfast this morning. I needed to go out to the Reata South area for some business this morning anyway. All was well and good until yesterday afternoon. I get a call from my Mom. She'd found the perfect farm truck to buy and would I sign for it/get the financing and she would pay for it (me) over the next few months. I declined, stating that I was uncomfortable further entangling our finances. And she was off to the races. I kept reiterating my boundary and she kept telling me how self-serving I am. I later got an email stating that they would be unavailable for breakfast.

Things that are important for me to remember in this situation:

1. I did what I know to be right for me.

2. I did so in a thoughtful, respectful manner.

3. I did not enable.

4. I did not lecture and I did not argue.

While I know what I did was completely right for me, it still feels uncomfortable. So today, I am sitting in that discomfort right now.

Secondly, and most worrying, Bick went to see his doctor yesterday as his self-described first step. His blood pressure was too high and the Doc doubled his RX. He told his doctor of his depression and his wish to quit drinking and reiterated again the extent of his alcoholism. The doc rxd anti-deps and told him to go to meetings. So Bick said he was going to take his meds for a week with a quit date of next Friday. I think the doc was most negligent. I firmly believe he needs medical aided/supervised help for the first few days, given his history. And I do not know what to do. I mean, I will be there for him/with him, as I don't want him to go through this part alone - it's dangerous. But I am furious with the doc, but I don't know how to handle this. And I am scared. It is not my problem, but I don't want him to die.

So there it is. I went to a meeting last night and I'm going to another one this morning. I'll go out to Johnson county to take care of my business and then I'll come back and either hit the treadmill or hit the trail, depending upon the weather. I need to go shopping, as Pebbles and Slater are coming over for brunch tomorrow. I'll attend church, come home and fix a quick brunch and then we are all heading off to a museum for a bit.

I've been invited to attend a Jazz and wine event on Sunday afternoon, but Bick also invited me up on Sunday evening for dinner. He said he was spending today in contemplation of his upcoming life changes and needed to think some things through. I think I'll head up there to talk with him farther about this on Sunday.

I will use the skills and the tools that I have developed to get through this. I will not eat over this. I will, however, use exercise to help relieve some of the anxiety these situations cause. I will go to meetings and I will pray and meditate. I will journal, here and privately.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Hold On.


Friday, March 5, 2010

Compare and Contrast

In the years to come, I believe sociologists will study the changes that Facebook has brought into our lives. I've recently re-friended (not to mention word historians - since when did "friended" have a meaning) Pebbles. Because of that, I now am privy to lots of people, specifically young women, with whom she went to school. Pebbles had a pretty rough go in junior high/high school in that "Mean Girls" way. I would have expected her to harbor some sort of resentment or some sort of residual negative feelings. I was surprised to find that she has not. What also surprised me was the fact that she doesn't "keep score".

I grew up with "keeping score" - that is the constant comparison to those around, especially women, in some sort of competition. I suspect this grew out of Mom's insecurities and superficialities, but there always seemed to be the need to find someone "less than". Always this constant ranking - in order for us to feel good, someone else had to feel bad. We couldn't be happy for someone's successes, as it pointed to our own failures.

I've let a large part of this go, but never really thought about the basis for this and it's roots in morbidly low self-esteem. I've come to the understanding that there is room for all sorts of winners and that this isn't a zero sum game. We all can win; we all can experience success and one person's success doesn't mean anyone else is less-than or a failure. Yes, I can look to others to inspire me, and I certainly do, but I don't have to look to others failures to make myself feel better. All that really does is point the fingers back at me and my need for the world to tell me that I belong, rather than knowing it for myself.

I'm not doing a very good job of explaining this, but suffice it to say, that allowing myself to enjoy, I mean really en - joy, others' successes, to revel in them and celebrate them has brought much more joy into my life. Their successes do not diminish me. Your successes show me what is possible in the world. You are not the enemy; you are not my competition; you are bringers of joy; you teach and enrich me.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. This is not a zero sum game. There is room for everyone.


Thursday, March 4, 2010

A Room With A View

The room was lovely and the view spectacular, but just like a toddler, I crave my routine. Being away from home, away from "my foods" and tired makes for one unhappy camper. I had a lot of trouble sleeping this trip - earplugs and eyemask didn't help. And when I'm tired, well, HALT. Presto and I'm just like a cranky two year old. Ah, well. That's behind me now. I got home and I organized. The benefits of organization are two-fold - 1. You are busy right now and can focus on something besides me, me, me and 2. You are setting yourself up for an improved, easier future. So, I organized to get ready for tonight's GNO gathering.

I also shut off my alarm, determined to get as much sleep as necessarily. For me, sleep is job one. Without it, I'm working at a disadvantage. So I slept in this morning and I'll go to yoga at lunch. Tomorrow it will be back to the routine, but for right now, I'm rested and ready to go.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Give yourself the best opportunities to be at your best.


Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Conference Food Makes Me Cry

Eating on program while attending a conference can be difficult. Given that most of the meals/snacks are provided, avoiding the foods that I normally do not eat is difficult. And I score this conference for me as a FAIL. Actually, the failure started before leaving and I never got into the groove. So, to get back in the groove, I'm following my usual plan which is NOT to restrict how much I eat, but just to make sure it's of foods that don't make me cry - because honest to god, eating too many carbs completely affects my mood. And other than walking the riverwalk a few times, I didn't get any real forced exercise. So I'm back in the familiar place - kind of bottoming out and looking not to let it get any worse. And trying to remind myself it's not the end of the world and I'm not back at some square one - I've just had a few off days.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Regroup.