Friday, April 30, 2010

Staying In Acceptance

Accept the things I cannot change. Boy, I'm seeing this in many areas of my life today. Honestly, I'm struggling with gratitude and acceptance. Wait, what I'm struggling with is leaving things alone.

One of my character flaws as a codie is my ability to obsess and churn a thought over and over in my mind. And I've found that I keep picking up the whole house thing and going through it again. So I'm working on putting it down and leaving it down. LEAVE IT. Accept the things I cannot change. Going over and over all the ways I was wronged does not help. So again, I'm shifting my focus to one of gratitude, acceptance and peace. As with so many things, it first starts with a decision. I need to be the decider. I decide. I get to choose my response. And in my case, I get to keep making the same decision, over and over, until it finally sticks. LEAVE IT.

I'm trying to think of some good distraction for this weekend, and I haven't come up with anything.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. We have more choice than we think.


Thursday, April 29, 2010

Choosing Gratitude

In the overall scheme of things, the whole house debacle isn't a biggy. I can lash out, but "standing up for myself" at this point is no real recourse. So instead, I choose gratitude.

Last night as I was tossing and turning and generally being pissed off - running Dixie-Carter-like speeches through my head, I suddenly remembered my former co-worker's month. What she had lost. And losing a house, while an inconvenience, is merely a bump in the road. And next Monday is the 6 year anniversary of Pebbles losing her best friend. On Saturday, she will go to the parents' house to help them pick out paint and work on a "new look" for their home. It will be sad and happy as they get together to remember what they lost. This house can and will be replaced with something at some point. What others have lost will not.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Perspective is everything.


Above photo is from August 2004. Pebbles was at the airport leaving for semester abroad. I think I weighed about a buck seventy five. Certainly not a BEFORE, more of an in progress. I'd lost 82 pounds at that point and had kept it off for 5 years. I lost another 13 pounds over the next couple of months and stayed at 162 for a year. I was 162 when I met Bick in November of 2005. Dropped down to the low 140s in 2006, quit running as much and gained some back. I'm now back in the low 140's again.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

This I Believe

Okay, now that weeklong rollercoaster ride is over. I terminated my agreement with her. I handled myself with dignity. Although I was seething, I did not take the low road. I still have to decide how to handle the situation with The MerryNewlywed. Yea, accidents happen, but this woman wasn't even contrite. Oh well.

This was not in the cards for me at this time. I don't know why and I may never know exactly why. I did my part and my instincts about it being a great value were right on. So there is that. Perhaps the next time through the ringer will be less stressful and anxiety producing.

And Karen is absolutely right. I felt EXACTLY the same when pre-purchase of MalibuKen. I probably need to spend a little recovery time on this particular issue. Although I do know what's going on and I did choose to take action anyway, so there is that.

This I Believe: We do what we can and believe that things work out just the way they are supposed to, exactly when they are supposed to. I am really okay with this - it's almost comical! Who does this happen to? Seriously - I've always known I'm special ;-)

So to end this on a lighter note, I bring you BIRDS DO IT - a post from June 2009. For those who are new here, I used to live in a rural area with a big garden that I took pretty seriously.

But apparently the bees have stopped doing it. Or more precisely, have stopped doing it in the squash. Bick first reported the problem a few days ago. After snooping around the internets and watching some plant porn, it was deemed that I must boost the sex life of the summer squash. I am now acting as Viagra for Vegetables. I tried last night, but the squash were too tired and had a headache. Perhaps they prefer mornings?

So this morning, I put on my best push-up bra, my vacation panties, threw on my summer robe and my f*ck-me Crocs, snapped on some latex (gloves) and went out to entice the squash into reproducing. I did my best (bean) pole dance. We'll know if there was a happy ending in about three days. The things I do for organic produce. Sheesh.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Sometimes you just have to laugh.


Here's What I Know....

That was then:

I made an offer. The sellers made a counter offer. I accepted their counter offer and signed - but the kicker is that my agent DIDN'T deliver the signed contract (she was delivering it electronically and didn't hit all the marks). At 9:00am this morning, my time frame to either accept or counter their counter expired, and they didn't have a delivered contract, they were watching the clock in order to accept the next offer that was waiting in the wings.

And that's where the all cash buyer, paying full price, with quick closing and no inspection comes in.

This is now:

My "agent" offered to pay me money at closing if I wanted to bump up my offer to over the cash buyers offer as an attempt to make amends for her mistake. So I agreed to do that. My mortgage amount would remain the same. I have no thought in the world that the seller will accept my offer and I'm not getting into a bidding war.

I will be firing my agent this afternoon as soon as this deal falls through.

And as an added bonus, for those playing along at home. There is some sonofabitch in Alabama who has a name somewhat similar to mine who hasn't paid his Bally's membership and it's gone to collections and is showing up on MY credit report. And I thought all I had to worry about was the EXbubba's slackery ways.

The Shoe That Dropped

My "agent" didn't file (electronically) my signed offer to the buyers - forgot to copy all the parties. So the deal is off.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Buyer Burnout

Outlined below is essentially an email I sent to the fabulous Christine upon inquiry:

I accepted their counter offer this morning, so I guess this means I'm on my way. I HATE the process and have wanted to bail out - not because I don't love the house, but just because the process is crazy-making. I told Pebbles this morning that it was like being pregnant - I'll be very happy once I get the house(baby), but until then, I'm pretty damned miserable with the whole acquisition process.

I just had to tell myself that the deal I wanted in my head was more about the negotiation than it was about the house. In the end, I want the house. While I haven't been actively touring homes, I have been watching what's been up for sale for a long, long time. This is the best thing/right priced thing that I've seen.
I'm waiting for the anxiety to dissipate to be replaced with elation. Soon, please.

end of email - to which I now add:

I just need to remember that. I do not have to be perfect. I do not have to make the best deal in the history of ever. Good enough is good enough. I don't have to swing for the fences. A good solid double is nice, too.

I understand that I am very fortunate. And I also understand that right now I am just overwhelmed.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Be in the now.


Monday, April 26, 2010

More pics;No News

Waiting on Monday

I got a call from The Agent on Saturday, saying that the house has four owners (parents and kids) and that it would be Monday until I heard anything. I am the first offer on the table, but I did stress that my offer was to be short-lived. I want a contract by this week or off I go. Don't know if that helps me or hurts me, but that's how I plan to proceed.

Bick was, as usual, incredibly supportive and very happy for me, so telling him wasn't difficult. If the news created a pang for him, he didn't let on. I guess I wanted to hear a bit of "we can make this work", but I didn't. I just need to look at actions, anyway. He's sober and we enjoy spending time together as friends. The rest of it, if there is a rest of it, will take care of itself in due time. We may end up hurting one another some time in the future, but I know that it will be without malice.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Know when to set limits.


Saturday, April 24, 2010

Never Grow A Wishbone

Never grow a wishbone, daughter, where a backbone ought to be - Clementine Paddleford. I just read that this morning. Boy, I need to embroider that on a sampler and put it where I can see it. Daily.

I finally worked through my anxiety and got a good night's sleep last night. It's been days, or at least it feels like it has. I got all the stuff down for this round of house stuff - mortgage approved - and submitted a formal offer. Now it's just a waiting game.

According to the agent, it has been shown multiple times since going on the market this week, but not everyone is like me. I want a two bedroom. I'm fine with it just having one bath. I do not want more house to heat, cool, maintain and insure than I need. I did notice that the ad wording has now changed to talk about converting the garage into a 3rd bedroom, so perhaps that's been the feedback. Anyway, I'm over the panic and anxiety and am feeling far more in control. Not of the outcomes, certainly, but of my part in all of this.

And yea, I've re-read Pebbles' note about a hundred times. She absolutely astounds me at times. She came over yesterday to go through the house and see for her self and she liked what she saw. Of course she was all full of "we could do this and we could change that" but that's her job and her nature. I'm pretty well fine with everything exactly as it is.

I'm also seeing Bick today and will tell him. I cannot sit around and wish things were different and let my opportunities go by the wayside. Never grow a wishbone where a backbone ought to be. This is not a zero sum game. We all have the opportunity to win, if we chose to do so.

Thank you fall for the outpouring of support, encouragement and excitement. I do appreciate it.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Grow a spine.


Friday, April 23, 2010

Anxiety Central

It's less than a mile to work. This means I could walk to the job. I could walk to the grocery store. I've worked in the area for nearly thiry years. So while this looks like an "overnight sensation", it really is the result of years worth of envisioning myself living in this neighborhood. If it all works out.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Have a vision.


Thursday, April 22, 2010

A Note From My Daughter

Did you remember to wear your big girl pants today? If not, I'd go home and change. :)

Repeat after me. Money and emotions do not mix. You are no longer in the financial situations you once were. Let your childhood and marriage financial woes go. You have the means to buy and maintain a home. This is not a crisis, just an exercise in money organization and management. You deserve a home that makes you happy and feels safe. A home is a secure investment in your future. Yes, the process is daunting but you have the support of many people and are employing people to work on your behalf to achieve this goal with you and for you.


I love you and am proud that you are my mother and face your fears head on (with or without tears) to achieve a better life.


Obviously today has been a whirlwind. The house was better on the inside than on the outside. Looked better in person than it did in pictures. I decided to put in an offer. And away we go with all the other stuff - mortgages, negotiations, inspections, stress and tears. We'll see what happens. And I still have to tell Bick, but I just can't do it today.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. I can do hard things - tm Dana - even if I do them with tears running down my face.


The Year Of Magical Thinking

This whole house thing is getting more and more bizarre. I will have to watch myself carefully so that I don't slip too far into magical thinking or get too carried away. I need to stay focused.

Case(s) in point:

1. I called my friend, TheMerryNewlywed, to get the name of her real estate agent. She's bought and sold homes and rentals fairly frequently. I'd met the agent a couple of times at functions at TMNW's home. So she gives me her contact and info and says "Hey, Agent is hosting a function for clients tonight after work just across the street from The Closet, come on over and talk with her there". Very Cool. That was mid-morning.

2. I get there are TMNW says to her husband "Tell her". I look perplexed. Backstory TMNWs live 45 minutes away from town. But today at his work, also 45 minutes away from town, a coworker comes up and says "There is this great house that just went up for sale on my street - it might make a great investment/rental property as the price is really right. It's a blah blah blah..." He calls his wife and tells her and she says OMG, that's the house that Roxie is interested in! So I was able to get a lot of the backstory on this house.

I'm scheduled to see the house in an hour and a half. Needless to say, I didn't sleep much last night, but that may have more to do with the potluck dinner last night with really spicy, but good food. One of the group has a Bahrainian houseguest who cooked some really spectacular food that I don't know the name of, but it was all spicy. And I didn't have an antacid nor even any baking soda in the house when I needed it at 3:30 am.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Know the signs.


Wednesday, April 21, 2010

A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Drycleaners

I was taking a short cut from the hair salon to the dry cleaners when I came across a house that perfectly fits all my criteria. Except that the timing is all wrong. Or is it?

Yes, I have a lease and there is a penalty, but if I decide to move forward quickly, then the tax credit would more than offset that. And I even have a couple of sub-let options available.

But there is more to this than financial, obviously. There is Bick. And this house would feel like permanently shutting that door. I just need to talk myself out of:

thinking that I can foretell the future
that only one man or one house are perfect for me
that I am solely responsible for our relationship
thinking I have to make the perfect decision'
thinking I have control
magical thinking
feeling the need to "price" myself at a discount, rather than a premium

As my daughter told me this morning, "Mom, you've regretted most the decisions that you haven't made more than the ones you have." And she's right. It's been lack of faith and trust in myself that has hampered me for far too long.

So I've put in a call to recommended realtor and I'm scheduling an appointment to see the house. I've gotta know where this goes.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Don't undervalue yourself.


Tuesday, April 20, 2010

To What Lengths?

Well, now that's weird. About 3/4 of this post disappeared. Oh, well, probably for the best. There was a large whiny part. And then there was the interesting part on "default user settings". That disappeared as well.

"frankenfoods" on a pretty steady basis. All default settings.

I am changing things up a bit in an effort to bring my LDL numbers down and that experiment has been interesting. I've had steel cut oats a few mornings as a change of pace from the omelets and it didn't lead me directly into wanting oatmeal muffins! I've discovered what it seems that everyone else already knows - that a little Fage yogurt coupled with some blueberries, blackberries, raspberries or strawberries (and a pinch of Splenda) makes a satisfying and healthy snack. I'm eating a lot of fish and I think I may be sprouting gills!

Got my hair cut today and I HATE IT! Same guy as last time, but he did something very different and it's horrid. I'm hopeful that I will look less like the Little Dutch Boy tomorrow. Otherwise, I'm going back. Grrr.

I made my contribution for tomorrow's potluck and I think it's too spicy! Double Grr!

Okay, enough of this. I just need to get on with it. Time for a little meditative yoga.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Know your limits.


Monday, April 19, 2010

Window On the Weekend

Item 1. The key to a great eggbeaters omelet:

I am a meat eater. If you can wrap it in bacon, I'm down with that. So in my latest quest to reduce saturated fat and my LDL, I've made a big move away from such things. But I needed something to take its place. Enter sauteed mushrooms and roasted red peppers (from a jar). Each omelet begins with a spritz of olive oil flavored spray and some sliced mushrooms, diced red peppers and usually some chopped/roasted vegetables from the night before. I'll also throw in some herbs, fresh if I've got it (Bick brought me a whole bunch of fresh herbs yesterday). I'm a volume eater and this omelet is big and very filling, usually with a serving of vegetables and tastes great. Oh, and I'm not adding any salt either. I have had some great luck adding GOOD smoked paprika. Seriously, it's great stuff. Not the kind that grandma threw over the top of deviled eggs for some color. Hie thee to a bulk spice place and buy just a thimble-full of good smoked paprika. It makes a difference.

Item 2: Bick

We had a great time yesterday. He bought his new freezer (why that man needs a freezer, I'll never know, but he's always been committed to having a freezer). He looks great and seems to be doing well. He looks healthier. He said he was losing weight, he thought, but since I took my scale, he doesn't know for sure. I had to laugh, as he said he calculated that he had been consuming 20K in booze calories a week and was now replacing it with 10K worth of ice cream. He's going to meetings and is sober. I didn't ask a lot of questions, as it is his business. We shopped and hung out for a while. He brought me some herbs from the garden and some more okra from the the garden/freezer.

Other than that, I don't know that there is a status. We obviously adore one another - that was never in question. Neither of us are talking a shared future, which is sad. His recovery is the most important thing right now. I'm under a lease and I've begun to look at houses. Nothing has to be decided today. It is my wish that our paths bring us together again, but I am still concentrating on my life and my stuff. I've got time and it is that time, coupled with actions that will tell if there is a we. The idea that there won't be a we makes me sad, but it doesn't destroy me. I'll be okay and it is my hope that he will be, too.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Love enough to let go.


Sunday, April 18, 2010

Don't Mean to be Cryptic

Just trying to stay under the radar - search engine wise, as this is such a big local story.

Here's the story.

I worked with his Mother for about ten years. She left our office about three years ago. Wonderful family; tragic, tragic situation.

Sunday, Rainy Sunday

Boy, what a dreary day this is turning out to be, weatherwise. I've already hit the gym this morning to get my exercise in for the day. I didn't get any yesterday, so Sunday is no longer the day of rest.

Eye doc said I could continue on with my readers if they were continuing to work for me in the put-them-on-take-them-off fashion, but she wrote me a script for (we are not calling them bi-focals anymore) progressive adaptive lenses. So I'll hold onto the script, see how my medical flexible spending account holds out and at the end of the year, if there's still dollars to be spent, then I'll spring for some stylish glasses. Otherwise, it's the ample stash of readers!

Ended up having fish tacos with Pebbles and Slater yesterday at her favorite college haunt. Man, chips and queso is almost always a food plan crusher, but I COUNTED out my portion size and stuck to it. I can absolutely go into mindless eating mode when chips are involved! Given my two back-to-back restaurant outings, I'm really happy with how I'm staying on the moderation track.

Okay, gotta run. Meditation/church this morning, then Bick is coming into town to escape the NASCAR race traffic this afternoon. We are going shopping for a new freezer for him. I haven't seen him in a while - will be nice to visit.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Take off the blinders.


Saturday, April 17, 2010

Not As Planned, But Still Okay

Didn't have the salad, split a burger with Pebbles instead. Had two S'mores, not one.
No farmer's market, it rained.
No bike ride, it rained.
The guy arrested is not being charged. Now just a POI.

Other than the apparent fumble by the law, it's all okay.

Tomorrow? More rain. So it's the gym for me. After that, who knows.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Roll with it.


Friday, April 16, 2010


Thank goodness it's Friday. It's been a long, trying week and I'll be glad to see it in the rearview. I'm thinking pilates today might do the trick.

Tonight is a family dinner for my sister's birthday. It will be just four of us, me, Mom, Pebbles and Sister. Slater has other obligations tonight - so it will four for S'mores tonight. Yes, it's like wandering around in the lion's den, but it such a fun place - plus, as a friend pointed out - there are goat cheese tater tots! What's not to love?

I've already planned my dinner - it will be their salad du jour - which is a salad made up primarily of local ingredients and available - which sometimes is quite the melange. Last time I had the salad it was fiddle heads, fennel and fava beans. Obviously the chef loves alliteration as much as I do! So I don't have a clue what it will be tonight. Choosing in advance allows me a better chance of staying within what is reasonable and appropriate for me. Plus, the salad will allow me a S'more - which is the point of this place anyway - they are so stinking fun!

Saturday's plan include a meeting, going to the newish farmer's market here in town to check it out, other grocery shopping and a bike ride (weather permitting). I am attending visitation for the son who was murdered this week in the evening. Don't know what to do or to say other than to tell the Mom that I am so sorry and that she and her family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Sunday will be meditation/church and I'm thinking another bike ride. Wednesday night brings another opportunity to expand my social circle and my horizons. I recently joined this organization and some local members are hosting a potluck on Wednesday. So I think I'll make some sweet potato chili and pop over and introduce myself to more complete strangers! Oh, and thanks for the chili inspiration, Chrissie.

Oh, I just remembered - I've got an eye doc exam scheduled for Saturday. It seems as though my vision is just deteriorating so quickly!

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Expand your horizons.


ETA: I've begun watching The Buddha at

Thursday, April 15, 2010

The Perfect is the Enemy of The Good

I read the above line over at a personal finance blog that I read. The author was talking about people (read me) who want to make the perfect decision and are stymied by the options, so they do nothing. Basically, there are a lot of good decisions to be made and made now.

The same theory applies to many things - it would be perfect if I was motivated enough to take up serious training to run a half or even a full marathon or perhaps, serious weight lifting. I could sit around on the couch awaiting the right book or movie or friend or blog to get my mojo geared up to become superfit and superstrong. Those are laudable goals; however, I don't have that motivation right now, so I'm doing "good enough" instead. I've found a level of exercise that doesn't make me dread it every single day of my being and I'm doing it consistently. It doesn't feel like punishment, it feels like reward.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Act now.


Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Sister Act

Today is my sister's bday so I called to take her out to lunch. We had a nice time. I do adore her and love spending time with her. Lunch out meant no workout, but it was a trade I'll gladly make. Went tonight instead.

Not sleeping well. Last couple of nights have been toss and turners, for sure. I'm hoping for better tonight.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Prioritize.


ETA: An arrest has been made.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010


My town is in mourning today. This was a senseless, violent act in a world that looks increasingly full of hate and disregard for other humans.

I worked with his mother for about ten years. Tragic loss.

Taxing Taxes

Whew! Big sign of relief. Met with the CPA this morning and got my taxes in the mail today. I've got two more things to drop in the mail today and I'll be through with all tax-related stuff for a while. I'm tired of wearing my big-girl britches. I'd like a lollipop, please.

Work is churning on, but in a pretty nice way, although I seem to be losing a bit of steam. I'm hoping that somehow picks back up. Plan on spending some time on the treadmill at lunch and perhaps attending the opening night of some community theatre tonight.

Friday brings birthday dinner for my sister and I'm looking forward to that. Other than a trip to the eye doc on Saturday for my ever-aging eyes, I've got nothing much on tap. Since my taxes ended up being thirty dollars less than I'd originally thought, I may treat myself to a quickie massage this week. I'll have to look at my schedule to see if I can work it in.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Render unto Caesar.


Monday, April 12, 2010

Overcoming Obstacles

I had a fabulous weekend, with Sunday really being the capstone. Saturday took me to a meeting, then off to Dallas to spend some time with Pebbles and Slater. We went to a neighborhood art show/sale and had a really nice time. The attendance was pretty low and there weren't a lot of vendors, as the really big art festival was going on in Fort Worth and we were in The Cliff in Dallas. Still, it was a great day to be out and about and we had a nice lunch to boot.

Sunday was incredible! After meditation/church, I went and bought myself a bike helmet. Thanks, Brian, for the tip on the adjustable thingy in the back. I didn't know that and once I found the adjustor, finding a helmet to fit my big old head was a breeze. I went out to the event and spent almost four hours on the bike. I did take a break from riding back and forth along the course to spread out a tablecloth and eat the nice lunch of apples and cheese that I had brought with me in my backpack. Great, great day. Amazingly fun and brutal event. I certainly don't want to do it, but my friends had a blast and are planning on doing it again.

The weekend was also a time of understanding and overcoming some personal obstacles. My discussion of my financial plan with Meg left me with some things to process. Because she's more than just a number cruncher, Meg asked me a lot of questions about how I felt about certain things - cash reserves, for example. When I said I felt like I needed to have more in cash, she asked me why. Turns out, I couldn't articulate why. I made several attempts but just couldn't. We left that question with us agreeing that I needed some more time to process how I felt about that question and why.

We also talked about the next big decision I need to make - whether to buy/rent house or condo. She had run the numbers and asked me what I was leaning toward. I said that I was really enjoying the "no worries" lifestyle of renting an apartment, but most, if not all, condos in this area are out of my price range, but I didn't want the added stress of maintaining a house.

As I was driving over to Dallas, I was thinking about this and the reality of my own past fears struck me. The years immediately following my divorce were especially trying financially. I had a kid in college and was struggling was under a MOUNTAIN of debt, the likes of which make losing a hundred pounds look like a walk in the park. Everything around my home was in disrepair and any little thing that went wrong threatened to derail my entire existence, or so I thought. I lived in fear and reacted with fear to every thing. Yes, it was stressful and anxiety producing and I hated that feeling of powerlessness. On Saturday, I realized that I was pulling forward all those fears into these new decisions.

What if something goes wrong? Well, in order to counteract my fear reaction, I could set up an emergency home repair fund. It was simple as that. I could set up an emergency home repair fund. I could save up and set aside a little money specifically to deal with home emergencies. As silly as it is, when I thought of that, the relief I felt was so intense that I actually started to cry. I don't have to bring forward all those fears, all that anxiety. I can work at saving some money especially earmarked for just those situations.

This is just the latest example of my need to re-examine how I feel about things? Is it really true? Is it true now? Or is it just residual baggage that I'm hauling forward and no longer applies?

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Overcome obstacles.


Photo 1: My friend completing the ropes obstacle.
Photo 2: My yet-unnamed bike and my new helmet.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Master of My Domain

I'm enjoying my weekend coffee and I am about ready to hit the gym this morning. I'll get cleaned up, go to a meeting then it's off to Dallas for some fun. We are going to three places/events here, here and here. I am looking forward to it.

Yesterday was a bit of an anxiety-producer for me. I've been working with Meg who is a certified financial planner, life coach, long time friend and all around stellar human being and yesterday was the day that we were to go over my plan. I think this is the event that trigger the "stay at home and must get organized bug" that I had the day before. I didn't realize it at the time, but late Thursday evening after I'd done everything under the sun that I could do to put OFF looking at the printed reported, I sat down and opened up the UPS packaging. Attached to the front of the plan was a note from Meg - telling me that I didn't need to try to get through it on my own, that we would go over it together on the phone the next day. HUGE HEAVING SIGH OF RELIEF! I didn't put two and two together until Friday morning. And I had to just laugh at my own silliness.

Meg called and we went through the report page by page and with Meg's thoughtful and insightful explanations at it wasn't at all daunting. What this really means is that I am now aware and responsible - no hiding from things. I am looking directly into the future while taking a real look at my situation and am accepting the responsibility of being the master of my own fate. This is it. If it is meant to be, it is up to me.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Own your future.


Thursday, April 8, 2010

Calling It A Day

I am worn out! I got a metricbuttton of stuff done today and I feel every bit of it. At one point in the day, it looked as though an explosion had happened inside The Closet. Because I cleaned out every one of them to the bare walls and re-optimized to better utilize the available space.

I've lived here about four and a half months, so it was time to reassess how things were working. See, I'm inherently lazy. If something is difficult to get to, then I won't make the effort to get to it. If I have to move four things in order to get the iron and ironing board out, I won't do it. My SonicCare and Waterpik have to be out and accessible or else it's the old fashioned toothbrush for me. Problem is, I don't have enough outlets in the bathroom for all that and a hairdryer plus my new flat iron. So today, I juggled things around a little bit.

I took everything out of my clothes closet and sorted it. I found another box of summer shoes that I didn't know I had! That meant I had to reassemble the shoe rack I'd stashed under the bed to put the shoes out. And rearrange the entire closet to fit in the additonal rack.

I also had to make room in that micro-closet to store my blanket and comforter off of my bed. It's time for summer bedding only! So I stripped the bed - oh and I found two lost things today - my sleep mask and my running tights! - and made room for the linens in the closet.

I also went through EVERY.PIECE.OF.IMPORTANT.PAPERWORK that I own. EVERY.PIECE. Created a new filing system in a new container, made files, labels, etc. and filed everything. Even went to my office and pulled my personal files from there and brought them home and filed them appropriately. I'd had a bit of paperwork here and drab over there in that thing, a few stashed somewhere sure to get lost, maintenance paperwork for MalibuKen in his glove box. All now in the proper place. And the proper place is easy to get to - one step to help me actually not get buried under the paper tiger anymore. I found out that I had under-claimed my charitable contributions for the year, so I'll have to adjust that when visiting the CPA. So today saved me some dough!

I also had lunch with Pebbles and took her to Costco to do some shopping. We had a good visit. I'm going to Dallas on Saturday to attend and arts and craft show - another etsy-styled deal, followed by an art gallery tour. Sunday I'm riding my bike along the rivertrail a few miles to watch friends compete in an armystyle 10K run, armycrawl over, under and through obstacles - should be fun to watch.

It was a very, very productive day and I'm glad to took it. I'm also proud of me for sticking with it until the end because at one point I did look around and think "what in the hell have I done?". I took a perfectly neat and tidy place and turned it upside down. What is it they say about breaking eggs to make an omelet? Well, I made some omelets today.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Strike while the iron is hot.


Taking a Day

As I was in bed this morning, hoping for more sleep, I decided to just take the day. I knew I had no meetings scheduled and plenty of things to do. Officially, it's a vacation day, but really it's just a mental health day to allow myself to refocus and regroup.

I've been crazy busy and running from hither to yon, doing this or that. I need some slow, quiet time, so I'm taking it today. My list of things to do for the day is pretty long, but most of it revolves around getting paperwork organized for last year and for the years to come. I've got another appointment with my tax guy coming up. Mention taxes and, well, things start to get all puckery with me. I have a healthy fear of the taxman.

I am going for a nice, long workout this morning, followed by some errands. But first, the paperwork and waiting around to see if Pebbles can make it through town for breakfast or lunch today, as she is passing through.

These moods strike me from time to time, where I just need to "get organized" and so I honor them, if possible. There won't be a lot of time in my calendar for the next few months where this is possible, so today it is. I'm getting ready to turn on Pandora to my classical music station and gather the pieces of my fragmented self.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Get yourself together.


Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Doing The Next Right Thing

Yesterday was full of doing just that. I took the bus to work, which gives me an extra fifteen minutes of walking each day, plus it just starts my day off right. I don't know why it does, but it does.

Before leaving for work, I packed my breakfast and my lunch. My eggbeater old-fart omelet, loaded with vegetables and a spinach salad with sliced smoked chicken breast.

I went to a flow yoga class at lunch. Great way to get body-centered again. Attended a lecture in the early evening on the latest research in womens' heart disease. Do you know it's the number one killer of women? Do you know that women do not present the same symptoms as men? Interesting and educational lecture.

After work, I came home and changed immediately and went out for another hour plus walk. The weather here is wonderful right now. I came home and cooked myself a nice dinner. Oh, and seem to be adding flaxseed meal to just about everything. I'll be interested to see if these dietary changes bring my LDL down. Although interestingly, the researcher said yesterday that cholesterol numbers are NOT the predictor that they are in men. But more research is needed.

Tried to get a good night's sleep, but failed pretty miserably at that. It's going to be a long day, as I am attending another lecture after work - this one on politics and ethics. That should get my blood pressure up!

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Do the next right thing.


Tuesday, April 6, 2010

The Final Four

I bought four huge oatmeal and chocolate chip cookies from a fancy place to serve with dessert last night. Except that we chose not to eat dessert. Or rather dessert wasn't eaten when there were guests here. But after they left, I ate the cookies. All of them. Nearly 1000 calories worth.

I am not wasting the time or the energy chastising myself today. I gave up the self-denigration a couple of years ago. But this was a lesson in my breaking my own rules. Don't bring/allow to stay in the house foods over which I seem to exercise no control.

Even after all of this time, I am not cured. After over a decade, I still do this from time to time. This one was different, however, it wasn't the usual anxiety driven bender. This was the availability bender. Which is really the easiest one to prevent, as I just try to make decisions when they are easy. Cookies should have went home with guests, but I really didn't think of it at the time. And then "Just one can't hurt".

Yes, yes, it can. I am a disordered eater. The specific ilk varies from time to time and I am not "CURED". I'm certainly in recovery (most of the time), but it would be childish of me to flail about and whine because I'm not CURED. I will not ever be cured just like I will never be 5 foot 8. I'd like both, but it's not going to happen and no use getting all tantrum-y about it. I do believe I can change my responses to stress and anxiety, which is the main area that causes me grief. But I invited this one into my house. Complete with a fancy bow.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Make decisions when they are easy.


Monday, April 5, 2010

We Return to Your Regularly Scheduled Programming

I will be glad to return to normal. The last two weeks of work, while exhilirating, have been tough. Long holiday weekend was nice, but caring for the dog was also demanding. I've got dinner with friends, followed by dessert at The Closet then a break! Tomorrow I can return to the routine I love best.

I have tweaked the routine a bit lately. I'm now getting up at 6:30 - since I seem to be sleeping more. I've moved my workout to the evening which allows me more people contact than exercising in the wee hours of the morning. It also has the added bonus of cutting back on my grazing time. Evenings are my WORST!

I've also started reading a bit again. Finally. I'm reading The Poisonwood Bible that Graciela so graciously shipped me. I finally got off my but and installed a reading light strong enough for me to read with in the bedroom, so now I can read for a half hour or so at night. I'm sleeping better, too!

I've cut out coffee, and it's accompanying cream and I don't much miss it. When I have a coffee craving, I've been indulging in SBX Tall Skinny Lattes. 90 Cals. I've also tweaked the food some, although it's still work in progress. I'm trying to reduce my saturated fats, so I've been eating more fish. And I've been taking my vitamins! I am so not a daily pill taker. I don't know what I will do when I get older. I had a helluva time managing all The Grandbeast's medications over the weekend.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Find a schedule that works.


Sunday, April 4, 2010

Hippity Hop

Pebbles survived her first camping trip and I survived my weekend with The GrandBeast.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Happy Easter.