Monday, January 31, 2011

I Met My Match

A funny thing happened on my long bike ride on Saturday. I was riding along, just having passed the quarter point of the ride and I was thoroughly enjoying myself. I was quite literally thinking about how I normally envied Dana and her walking buddies, Shelley and her running group and others who get to exercise with a group - and that today was so perfect by itself. I was thinking how peaceful and wonderful the ride was - what a gift the amazing weather turned out to be and how just keeping cadence and breathing was almost like an active meditation. It was glorious. And ironic. And then I was passed.

The woman who started to pass me this time had passed me earlier in the ride. And then I'd passed her on the climb and didn't give it a second thought. But this time, instead of passing she sort of struck up a conversation basically along the lines of how hard it was to find someone of "our age and pace". And there you go. We ended up riding the remainder of the ride together - talking some - she lives just a couple of blocks away from me - exchanging contact information and wimpiness factors (how cold? how much wind is too much wind to ride in? three hour max?) and plan to ride again together on Saturday morning - weather permitting. It will be nice to have someone to ride with, I think.

Sunday dinner ended up just kicking my behind. By the time the guests left (including Bick's ex-wife), we were both just wiped out. It went really well, but man, even with good planning and prep, dinner for eight is just hard work. But everyone seemed to enjoy themselves. I ate too much junky stuff and not enough real food. We didn't really eat a regular meal until dinner time - just snacking through the day - and that just doesn't work for me. And I'm feeling the "hangover" today. It wasn't over-eating, it was just eating bad fuel and expecting my body to like it.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Enjoy the drop-ins.


Saturday, January 29, 2011


I went out to Reata South after work to see the progress. Job is almost finished. Counter tops have been templated and are awaiting fabrication. My next task was to pick out a bit of tile for a small backsplash. And because I have neither a huge investment in nor a dire need to precisely control this bit, I called The Family, asked them out to dinner and to go pick out tile with me. So we did that. they picked out the tile and it was fun.

The job looks good. Oh, it's not going to be featured in Dwell anytime soon, but given the parameters, I couldn't be more pleased. Too bad it will soon be so covered up as to go unnoticed. Oh well. Can't fix everything. I've been so fortunate with this contractor. His reviews and references were spot on.

And in other news of the obvious - when I eat poorly, I feel poorly. And I didn't do as well in either exercise or fighting the buffet. I fought the office breakfast buffet and the buffet won. Oh, it wasn't horrible - I just ate a bit too much of the wrongish things and I feel the worse for it physically. And since I didn't say NOT IT quick enough, I ended up in the office until after five, so no bike ride for me yesterday. Today is a different story. I have got a couple hours of office work to do starting at about nine this morning, and then I'm off for about a two hour ride today. Yippee!

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Guard against backsplash.


Friday, January 28, 2011

I Want To Ride My Bicycle, I Want To Ride My Bike

and not in the house, either. I will, however, be fully clothed. I am hoping to get away from work early today. This week has been a total beating and I don't know if it is over yet. Hell, I may end up working LATE!

I had an incident yesterday where I should have kept my big mouth shut, but didn't. Now I'm trying to assess what I am feeling and why. So I've spent some time on that. I know several commenters (how the hell does one spell that - spell check isn't happy with anything I chose) have said that they think I think too much. Well, for right now, that may be true. I don't plan on adopting analyzing everything to the nth degree in the future - but for those situations that would have historically been triggers for self-sabotaging behaviors, I feel like I need to spend some time just dealing with it - and that hopefully things will become more clear and then I can just sail on through, self-acceptance intact.

Food has been as planned. Exercise has suffered a bit, but I am hopeful that some near 70 degree weather today and tomorrow will allow me to spend some quality one-on-one time with Clementine Peddleford and Trainer Joe can just stay the hell at the house.

I've got a morning breakfast celebration to attend, along with a short talk to give and so I'm waiting for my morning coffee to help blunt some of the breakfast foods there. I'm bringing yogurt bar fixings, but I know that there will be a bread pudding/custard thing there that tripped me up last time. And since one bit makes me want to eat the WHOLE thing, I'll try to forgo that first nibble. Oh, and I'm baking that pie to take in as well. Yes, I know it's supposed to be for a dinner, but I just want it gone.

My plan is to hit the meditation session tonight if I don't get to go riding outdoors today.

That's all the news from Kornfield Kounty.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Some days are diamonds;some days are stones.


Thursday, January 27, 2011

Wrap Up

This is the wrap of Ellen's hate loss challenge. It, coupled with my prior twenty day challenge, has been very interesting and enlightening. By taking the time to stop and actually think about things, I've learned a few things about myself. It has certainly paid off to pick up those rocks just to look to see what is scurrying about underneath. My thanks to Ellen for putting such a great challenge out there.

I've discovered that I still operated under some mis-held beliefs that when exposed to logic and the light of day, merely became almost laughable. Others, I found, were not what I thought they were at all. The body image thing is a prime example. Sitting with and thinking about that led me in a completely different direction. One that surprised even me. But "leaning into" ala Pema Chodron the discomfort led to discover some stuff that I'd been avoiding. As with many other things, what I thought WAS the issue was merely a symptom of something else. I've been using my soul/spirit/esteem writing time to journal in longhand about these things. Imagine, me, the overzealous discloser, actually writing about something not here on GNR? ha!

And these things that I'm discovering are not broken-ness of ME. They are behaviors, beliefs that I took on when I didn't have the skills to refute them, but instead accepted them as my truths, internalized them, made them a habit and acted accordingly. I can now take the time, with a better skill set, lean into them, try them on, see if they still fit, and if not, figure out a plan to let them go.

"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference"

Work has been slapping me around a bit and I missed yet another workout at lunch yesterday. I did, however, make most of the adjustments to account for the party and dinner out last night. I did not have my morning coffee with cream yesterday, electing to save that for the retirement party. So I had my coffee "dessert" yesterday along with a bit of fruit at the reception. That worked pretty well. However, I may have cut back a bit too much because I was a little shaky by quitting time. I opted for my new favorite snack (which is something I like without being so awesome that I want to eat too much of it). I take the Flat Out breads, cut them in half, and then toast them up. I put these in a serving bag to use as chips into pico de gallo. It's about a 60 calorie snack that takes some time to eat, has a satisfying crunch and contains some fiber. I also threw about 3 ounces of fish on the Foreman. I ate those things and then headed over to Dallas for pizza dinner with the kids.

I've been to this restaurant about three times and I've loved it each time. Last night? What a disappointment! The margherita pizza was a little too salty for my taste. I had my two pieces and the three of us ate about one half of a dessert that we ordered that wasn't much good either. I felt I was still in maintenance range estimated calorie-wise, but expected a bump due to sodium. Didn't happen, but it may come later. I'm highly susceptible to sodium. Big Ass Spongebutt. All in all, I enjoyed the time with the kids and actually stayed out past 10 pm! So much for the no-salt early bird special at Luby's.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Lean in.


Wednesday, January 26, 2011

It's Not Trader Joe's

It's not Trader Joe's, but it's not bad. One of these opens in town today. Actually, other than the lack of Trader Joe's, we do have a fine selection of grocery stores - Central Market, which is the upscale version of HEB, a new HEB store in Johnson County, Aldi's, plus all the usual suspects. Right now, I am doing most of my shopping at Kroger. The Super Target that is within walking distance, just doesn't have the produce selection that I need. I'm an outer-ring shopper and if the greens aren't good, well, I'm taking my green elsewhere.

And speaking of sprouts, I love the manager at Kroger, because this week (again) I loaded up on the Manager's Specials. This week it netted me some radish and clover sprouts. They were packaged as Spicy Sprouts and they were good! I've never been a big sprout fan, but of course, I never buy them. So tempted by the big orange sticker, for .89, I gave them a try. Great addition to my salads.

I've got some strategic planning to do to get through the next few days: I have a party (with food - hopefully fruit) this afternoon at work. I'm going to Dallas after work to have dinner with the kids. Pizza place - salad and margherita pizza for me. Thursday should be clear of outside eating responsibilities. Friday morning is yet another office breakfast. Again, I am bringing yogurt and supplies. My yogurt bar turned out to be a big hit. I will try to remember my trick of getting a cup of coffee instead of loading up on party food. I think I'm clear until dinner on Sunday evening. Bick's family is coming up from Houston and he's hosting dinner. Which means he's grilling and I'm cooking - which I'm fine with. Gives me some control. I've suggested a vegetable casserole (no cream-of or cheese sauces) along with some toasted barley risotto. I'm hoping to tempt him with the risotto in order to slip the veggie dish in unadorned. He, of course, will grill the steaks. If that menu goes, then I can certainly make that work.

Which brings up an interesting question - how compatible/how much do you compromise with a partner on eating styles? Fortunately, Bick and I are mostly compatible. He's fine with "grilled and green" which is my basic position. He's not (traditionally) been a big sweet person, is not a fan of baked goods, other than the occasional pie. He doesn't do chips and is willing to adjust to my food weirdnesses. And while I would love it if he chose to be active with me, this part of the equation is much more important. I know myself well enough to know that I couldn't not function or live with anyone ever who is not willing to make, what for me, are necessary adjustments.

Food and exercise have gone mostly as planned - although I've missed out on the group exercise classes at lunch at the gym and have had to go it alone. Going it alone (for me) means for an easier workout than if I was in the company of others. On Monday, I was a right on time for class, but the instructor is so awesome, that the class was already full upon my arrival. Note to self - be early today! Then yesterday was to be a spin class, but a last minute work issue kept me at my desk until after the doors to the class had closed. But I still went on with my solo act.

As for my contractor, as I said, if I get through this project liking him even half as much as I did when I started, then it will be very good, indeed. His was the most expensive bid, but every review spoke of his dedication and sticking to his word, in addition to doing good work. I decided someone with that reputation in his field was worth the extra bucks. So far, I'm pleased to have bought myself some peace of mind. And he wasn't that much more expensive. I feel I made a good decision. My hope is that the working conditions weren't such that he would never consider working for me again. I'd like to keep this guy in my pocket, for sure.

And in other news - my sister has added another big step in her road to better health. She quit smoking - I think she's on day 5 now, so the worst of the physical stuff is probably over with. She is still sticking to her eating plan, from all that I can see. I do my best to be encouraging without being intrusive.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Sometimes the extra money is worth it.


Tuesday, January 25, 2011


The kitchen repair/remodel is coming along nicely. Slowly, but nicely. My contractor is showing up to work everyday and making progress. There have been some additional issues, as was expected in such cases, and after my initial (internal) freak out, I'm freaking out less and less. Boy, I can awfulize anything. The familial issues are still there and coming through, so I really have to remember the sacred pause.

That sacred pause is just a road block, a brief (at first) stoppage to reaction or acting without forethought. I am, by nature/habit/genetics, a reactionary person. I can take a bad situation and make it worse in no time. My new first priority is to have that sacred pause before I respond to anything. I read on a recovery blog the other day - paraphrasing here - "One seldom regrets the opportunities to keep one's mouth shut". If I had to give myself a grade on dealing with the repair work/family situation, I'd give myself a B-. Only once did I really butt in where my opinion wasn't asked for. And I got another opportunity to practice the sacred pause last night.

I got a telephone call saying that another upgrade was needed - that the contractor had said so. And yes, I would really like to have that upgrade. But upon further probing, the contractor didn't really say that this particular thing needed to be replaced - he just said that they weren't made with quality - and it was hard to put them back together. I just responded that I would mull it over and talk to the contractor about it.

"But you will disappoint him. He likes to do quality work. His name is on the line."

"Well, Mom, my name is on the check."

I don't think that I'm going to pay him to take out something he's already re-installed. And while a new thing would be nice, it's just not my priority. And The Family wasn't particularly satisfied with my answer. So I get to live in and feel other peoples' unhappiness with me. I think it's something that I need to get more used to. Dr. Brene Brown writes about momentary discomfort versus later resentments. It's all a matter of priorities. I chose momentary discomfort.

In life news, I went to a lecture last night to here this man. I do enjoy going to these kinds of lectures and events. I need to do more of them.

Food and exercise were as they needed to be. I've already taken Clementine Peddleford and Trainer Joe for a spin this morning. I've got a spin class on tap for lunchtime, followed by another evening spin. Food is planned and packed and will be pre-tracked here shortly. Thanks to you guys, I now know that the salad kit idea came from Marisa. I will follow up today with another handwritten note to to myself with my affirmation/intention to make decisions that are in my own best interest, long term.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Pause for Priorities.


Monday, January 24, 2011


So on Saturday morning, I hopped on Cha-Cha and Trainer Joe and took off my I-don't-wanna pants and just got on with it. I'm liking the trainer, btw. It doesn't take away the fact that I'm just exercising rather than having fun, but it is easy and convenient and small. Given the size of The Closet, compact is good.

After exercising, I got showered and dressed. And I noticed that my smallest jeans were very tight. "Well, they just came out of the dryer", I told myself. Yea, right. So I ditched my no-weigh experiment and stepped on the scale.

Turns out, I've been lax in my exercising. I've been lax in avoiding sweets/treats/baked goods - not fully willing for long enough periods of time to avoid the FoodPusher Alley (office kitchen). Double whammy. And I'm eight pounds over my redline weight. And fourteen and a half pounds over my all-time lowest.

I am unwilling to let my all-time-lowest number bring me down. That weight, and I said it at the time, was unsustainable for me and I won't let it identify me. That weight was achieved by hours of fun, fun, fun biking and I am unwilling to put that much effort into hours and hours of not-nearly-so fun exercising. Sustaining that weight would have to be an all-consuming passion, and it's not. However, I am going to have to be ex-lax and get shit moving around here to get down below red-line.

So here's what I've done/am doing about it. And there is no recrimination here. It is what it is and it doesn't make me panic or fall back into hateful patterns. I'm just tweaking things and paying a bit more attention again.

1. I am adding another session with Cha-Cha and Trainer Joe in the evenings. Just 20 minutes to start. I can do 20 minutes without dread. Twenty minutes isn't trying to get it all back at once. Twenty minutes isn't punishment. Twenty extra minutes is sustainable and doable.

2. Salad kits. I wish I could remember where I saw this on the web - it was in this community. She prepares kits of ingredients so that lunch assembly is pre-done and easy. I went to the store and did prep work last night. And I've also prepared breakfasts for the next four days. On Friday we have another big breakfast to-do at the office. I'll plan ahead, but I'm not going to worry about it TODAY.

3. Pre-tracked food and exercise for the day. I've already rode this morning and I have another session this evening. Lunchtime will consist of another TNT class.

4. I've already drank a big glass of non-coffee this morning. Haven't even had my cuppa yet this morning.

5. This morning, before leaving the house, during my soul/spirit/esteem work, I will handwrite a note to myself about staying on the plan I've laid out and why, just for today, I will make decisions in my own best interest as an act of self-care.

Weekend was wonderful. Bick came into town, and while he did get his bigger pants, he decided to wait on the treadmill. More research, he said. He did suggest a walk in the park on Sunday. Let me repeat that. He did suggest a walk in the park on Sunday. We went. I loved it. He probably tolerated it okay :-).

I ditched the pie for dinner idea. After reading the reviews, the nutrition and knowing the state of Bick and my jeans, I decided that fish was in order. We had some lovely baked cod. The pie will wait until another day, if ever. It was a gift - hey, maybe I'll bake it and take it to work. That'll teach the food pushers!

He also offered a suggestion on where to position Cha-Cha and Trainer Joe, which led to a re-arrangement of furniture here at The Closet. I'm loving the new configuration. Feels new and different and more spacious. Unlike my jeans.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Re-arrange for optimal results.


Saturday, January 22, 2011

Introducing Trainer Joe

Name suggested by Anne H. It is the perfect name, given my love for Trader Joe's. I don't miss the man in Scottsdale, but I sure do miss that store. And I'm writing this because I'm stalling. I do NOT want to take Cha-Cha and Trainer Joe out for a spin this morning. I'm wearing my but-I-don't-wanna pants this morning. Actually, I'm sitting here, all decked out and ready to ride and I need to just get up and eat the frog. If you eat the frog the first thing in the morning, the day can only go up from there.

I've been riding every morning and spending the minimum of fifteen minutes on my soul/spirit/personal development reading each day. So far, so good.

I'm glad to be seeing this week in the rearview. Not one of my all-time favs. Not much going on this weekend. Bick is coming into town tonight. He's going shopping for some bigger pants (and a treadmill), an office chair and a few other sundry items. I'll fix us dinner - a gift of that food pie that Oprah loves. I googled it up to get serving suggestions and folks are in one of two camps - either they love it or hate it. I have no real clue how this will go tonight. I'm sure we won't starve. And we'll probably catch a movie, although we've seen the only two that are of much interest to us.

Shhh! It's a secret. Bick's bday is coming up soon and I got him this as his small present. It's for Farrah. How's that for a blast from the past. I think he'll get a kick out of it. I also found him an old cassette by F0ghat that will go well with the theme.

Speaking of Sl0wride, I need to get my ass out of this chair and onto my bike.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Even if you ride slow, ride.


Thursday, January 20, 2011

Performing, Perfecting, Pleasing, Proving*

This Hate-Loss Challenge is brought to you by the Letter P.

I've wandered far afield this week. The Voice is now saying "I can't believe you got to be 50 years old and still haven't figured this out! Finding yourself went the way of shag carpet, 8 track tapes, and Chevy Good Times vans. You are a walking cliche'".

But here's the deal - I lost the weight. I did the thing that I was sure for most of my lifetime was the problem. I fixed it. Mostly permanently. I now "fit in" because I look like a normal person. I no longer wear my lack of self-esteem as a fat badge for all to see. I'm cured, right? I'm no longer obese. I got the thing that I wanted.

Except that it didn't fix everything. And granted, I much prefer being fit and healthy. It's made an enormous difference in my life - but I'm still dragging along those things that debilitated me and IMHO lead to my obesity in the first place - my lack of self-acceptance, innate worthiness, self-esteem. I did not know/accept/believe that I am enough, just standing still.

But by dealing with some of these issues, I can come not to a place not that stops me from wanting the cupcake because I am always going to want a cupcake or three, but to a place of treating myself with lovingkindness and choosing to make better, more loving choices in how I treat me. I do for myself because I want to because I value myself, not because it will change how other's see me.

It was once said to me, "I've never seen anymore who would jump in front of a bullet faster than you. Sometimes it seems like you don't know how to do things in your own best interest." My own self interest? Why that would be selfish! Surely a mortal sin - selfish. So each decision to eat right, each decision to exercise, each decision to keep my wallet in my purse, each decision to let the trinket stay on the store shelfs becomes an act of self-care, not an act of selfishness.

So I am, as they say in recovery, peeling the onion; exposing each layer of shame, mis-held beliefs and destructive patterns to thoughtful contemplation. I'm doing a ton of work by being still and letting my authentic self come to the surface. Letting go of performing, perfecting, pleasing and proving in an effort to fit in and striving for belonging, instead.

So as part of my hate loss challenge is stopping the "should" voice in my head. The one that says I should do instead of just be. Again, doing, for the right reasons is a wonderful path to gaining all sorts of good inner stuff. But if performing, perfecting, pleasing, proving become the only way I can feel good about me, then my priorities are pisspoor.

*according to Dr. Brene Brown, these are the things we do to "fit in"

Doing some morning exercise and the 15 minutes (seems I go longer) of soul/spirit/self work. I made food choices that were suspect this afternoon, but I can live with it. More rest will help.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Start now.


Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Wednesday Melange

(Just pretend you are reading this on Wednesday morning, m'kay?)

1. Post and link back to the person who awarded you this award Karen at Waisting Time
2. Share 7 things about yourself;
3. Award 15 recently discovered great bloggers (or as many as you can); and
4. Contact these bloggers and tell them they’ve won

A big thank you to Karen and the shout out. I cannot imagine there is anything that I haven't already cussed and discussed, but here goes:

1. There was a time when I wanted a Pontiac Fiero with all of my being. Thankfully, that was one prayer that went unanswered.

2. When I was in high school, I wanted to be the next Barbara Walters and pursue a career in broadcast journalism. Or be an accountant. Thankfully, I am neither of those things today.

3. When I was in first grade, my reading skills were such that I was taken to some sort of educators' conference at Baylor University. I was seated on the stage and was given different books from which to read selected passages and then had to answer questions about what I'd read. Obviously there were Catholic schools in attendance, as it was here that I saw my first nun.

4. As a kid, I used to ride up in the mountains on my horse. One of my favorite things to do was to jump off the horse and play hide and seek with him by running away just as fast as I could. He always found me. It's a miracle that I didn't end up walking out of some of those hills on foot.

5. I am the first person on either side of my family to go to and graduate from college.

6. I became obsessed with a SNL skit from back in the day - The Ricky Rat Club. A few friends and I even had t-shirts made.

7. I grew up near a family with four children - Cactus, Wilma, Elvis and Steve.

I'm going to reverse this trend and have you suggest new blogs to me. I go through ebbs and flows with blogging and right now my list isn't expanding. Tell me who I should be reading and why? What is being said out there in the community that I need to hear? Who is extra dear to you right now?

I am working on being more precise with my language and not over-sell. So here goes - yesterday had some rough spots. The kickoff with the repair work left me with some expectations not met, as well as more uncomfortable feelings. That being said, I am THRILLED with how I handled it all. I didn't spew it all over everyone in my vicinity. I chose not to vent to one of my most trusted advisors. Instead, I just acknowledged how I was feeling. I didn't do a single thing - vent, rage, spew, or eat over it - I just sat in it, felt the anxiety and breathed through it. I didn't seek out approval, validation or sympathy. I didn't do one think that made it worse. And by the end of the day, I was feeling good about the self-care that I was able to provide. And no "hangover" of any kind.

Did an awesome spin class. The instructor teaches my TNT class, as well. She is so knowledgeable and is a super motivator. My plan is to spend 2 TNT days and one spin day a week with her. A good leader can make all the difference in the world in the energy that happens in a group fitness class. I also spent some time on Cha-Cha before work.

Still listening to these. One of the steps listed is to make some promise to yourself that you will do without fail and in the event of failure, you will own the reason why not - my promise to myself is to spend 15 minutes every day doing soul/spiritual work - reading and writing about it. The interesting thing that transpired out of this was my desire to go one "better" - and start giving myself all sorts of "shoulds" - rather than just concentrating on doing the one small thing consistently. Truly, this is one of my core beliefs, but sticking to it without "scope creep" is difficult. If a little is good, more is better! Or so I'd like to believe - but by keeping things small and manageable, I am more apt to do them and be successful. My success depends not on what I could do in one day, but what I will do every day.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Breathe through it.


I'm doing sort of an experiment for the next 15 days. I'm going to see how I do without weighing, but with spending the 15 minutes reading and writing on soul/spirit/esteem topics.

I'm A Quitter

Yesterday marked my five year quit-aversary. After smoking for thirty years, I finally and for good, kicked the habit. I'd quit before, sometimes for as long as two years, but really I hadn't quit - I just wasn't smoking at the time. This time, I've quit. I'm done. I'm through. I cannot foresee a situation that would ever draw me back in. The desire is gone. Well, occasionally it will drift back - but it's easy to say "I'm not a smoker" and the thought drifts off as quickly as it came.

I will admit that quitting was one of the most difficult things that I've ever done. Mine was an emotional addiction, to be sure, and it was powerful. Quitting left me in a puddle and it was exercise that really pulled me through it. I started running a month or so before I quit and it was running that kept me out of the pack long enough for the quit to stick. I had already taken up healthful eating habits (I'd lost about 75 pounds about seven years before) and had started working out a bit, so smoking was no longer in line with how I lived my life. It no longer made sense to me and for me.

And for those of you who have never smoked, good for you. For those of you that have and have quit, you know what this is. A thirty year, pack-a-day habit. Yet another one of my dubious achievements - dropping around 120 pounds, climbing out of a mountain of debt, and smoking for thirty years and then quitting. I go big or go home! I'm never one to nip anything in the bud! I wait until it's a challenge!

Food and exercise spot on. I was off for MLK and had a very productive day. I'm easing my way back into thinking about buying a house, so I did a little research on that front. I'm also listening to a fabulous audiobook - downloaded from my library. Really good stuff. It's hitting me right where I live. Cha-Cha had two low tires, so no riding yesterday. I did, however, soak up the sun.

I'm off for a "get started" meeting at Reata South. I am looking forward to a wonderful finished product and having a new resource to call upon.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. If you smoke, please stop.


Monday, January 17, 2011

Ode To Joy

I am guilty of tamping down joy. In the past, I haven't allowed myself to get excited about things because, well, they might not come to pass and then I'd, 1. be disappointed and 2. look stupid. And I don't really know which of those two factors was the most powerful in this situation. I grew up with the belief in "not jinxing" something. That if I really wanted something or really was looking forward to something, that acknowledging that fact would somehow cause it not to happen. I believed that the world was out to do me harm, not good. Of course, I don't really believe that now, but it has taken a long time to realize that I still tamp down my joy.

So instead of thinking about all the things that could go wrong, I am choosing to be excited. I am electing to be joyful about the new kitchen in Reata South. I am not going to think about what troubles might befall the project, but instead, I am going to hold the picture of what it will look like completed in my mind and be happy! I will not speak of the project with dread anymore. Hey! New, updated kitchen!

Tamping down joy is really just another symptom of trying to control/predict what new disaster was going to befall me so that I could prepare. Nothing like being a crap magnet - if that's what I would think about, then that's what I would get. If I go into a situation looking for the bad, then that is exactly what I am going to see. It doesn't make me smart, it doesn't make me a "realist", it just makes me less joyful.

Food and exercise were of the unhealthful variety. Today is a new day and I'm on holiday, so I'll get off my butt here in a few minutes and assess the outside environment. I just might be able to take Cha-Cha out for a spin.

On another note, if you haven't done so, go NOW, TODAY, ASAP to see The King's Speech.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Allow joy into your life.


Friday, January 14, 2011

"What Do You Want To Do Tonight?"

Slater is off in California enjoying time with his buddies and his wife's frequent flier awards. Pebbles called and asked me to come over and spend the night tonight.

"What do you want to do tonight?" I asked.

"Let's snuggle and watch Netflix movies" she replied.

This one of the things I have always loved about this kid. Even as a college student when she would come home for a visit, sometimes late at night, she would knock on my bedroom door, movie in hand, and crawl in bed with me to watch a movie. We'd watch our favorites over and over again through the years - When Harry Met Sally, Singles, My Big Fat Greek Wedding, Napoleon Dynamite (sometimes with the sound off so that we could say the speaking parts), Garden State - mostly her favorites, but some of mine.

So I guess after my meeting tonight with the contractor, I'll head over to Dallas to spend the night. I was going to meditation, but need to meet with the contractor, so that's out. Pebbles says we are making the Turkish dessert we both fell in love with. I hope that we can learn from my first experience making it. Anyway, I don't know what I will do for exercise. The weather is supposed to be crappy and Saturday is normally my "big" exercise day, but I don't get these kinds of opportunities to hang out with Pebbles that often, so I'll figure out some way to account for lack of exercise and an indulgent Turkish dessert.

Food and exercise has been good. The scale has not moved, but I am not letting that bother me. I know that I am doing the good-for-me things and my body is just having a time adjusting. I will trust the process and not obsess about a number. I choose peace; I've got time to remove the Christmas Funk. The scale does not dictate my day.

Today is yet another birthday celebration at work. This time I showed a little leadership and assigned food to bring by category. I am hopeful we won't end up like we did last time with a mountain of baked goods and then everyone scarfing down the healthy choice that I brought and leaving me empty handed! I'm doing something a little different this time - I'm bringing Fage for a yogurt bar. I'm bringing honey and granola and there will be fruit there. I'm betting there won't be a line to the Fage - but I will warn people that Greek yogurt takes a little getting used to. I will have a healthful breakfast today!

I missed the spin class yesterday and ended up on the treadmill. Today the only class offered is Pilates and I think I need some cardio, so I guess it will be some machine form of cardio.

I've got dinner on Saturday with Bick, Sandy and Aloysius and then Sunday, Pebbles is trying to organize an outing with her aunt, her grandmother and me, but the aunt and grandmother are being a bit weird, so I don't know how that will all work out. But it is NOT up to me to get in the middle of it and broker a deal. I gave up my broker's license a while ago. Their relationship is theirs. I have enough difficulties with my own. Sigh.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Snuggle down.


Thursday, January 13, 2011

Buried Treasure

As a participant in Ellen's Hate Loss Challenge, I've chosen to concentrate on my thoughts about my physical self. My first post was here. Now that I've got myself into this quagmire of thought, there's more.

If I dig deep - who is the perfect body for? For me? The hot-bod thing is different from being healthy and fit. I am healthy and fit. Healthy and fit is for me. How does having the/a more perfect body change things? How perfect is perfect? Would I be willing to be surgically perfected? Would I gain confidence? Or would that be playing into this performance/looks based system? Is it the "gift" I give my partner to make him "want" me? Is that where my value really is? By tying my satisfaction (not in the physical sense, but the emotional sense) to what other's think about me - trying to CONTROL by scale/body/performance is still trying to control what someone else is feeling. It is really shouting "I need you to want me/admire me/think about me so that I can feel good about me" and if I'm not doing those things, if my gifts aren't enough, then you couldn't possibly want me for me. I can only see me as valuable if YOU do. My value is in what I do for you and what you reflect back to me. Hello, External Validation, my old friend. And it's wonder twin - What Do You Think About Me?

I need you to feel a certain way about me so that I can be okay. Well, now that just looks stupid, doesn't it? It's one of my mis-held beliefs taken to a whole new level. Nowhere in this was there room for me to be what/who I really am. I am warm, loving, affectionate, very earthy, sensual, demonstrative, playful woman. I am enough - even when standing still. I need to get out of my own way and be who I really am so that I can get what I really want. I am taking responsibility for my own life, on all levels. I am striving for self-acceptance and it is an inside job. It's independent of scale, wallet, mirror, possessions, haircut, job, perceived "hotness" and performance. I'm tired of judging my book by it's cover. It is being okay, dare I say, happy with Just Me. It's more about losing the shame than losing the weight.

I've been so busy trying (and failing) to be what I think others need me to be that I never took the time to get to know the real me. Or to let the authentic me be. And yet, I expect others to somehow make things right for an entity (the authentic me) that they've never met. I hold them responsible and at fault. Yet another exercise in resentment building. I commit the emotional equivalent of dishonesty by omission and I hold others responsible for it. And I begin to bitch because I'm not treasured. Well, it seems to me that no one is pirate enough to find where I've buried this treasure. No one could be.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Dig Deep.

ETA: I am enough even when standing still is not my own composition. It came from another participant in this. It just resonated with me. I am enough just standing still.

Went back to the Tone-N-Tighten class yesterday and it was wonderful. So I'll try to keep that on my calendar for a couple of days a week. Now to throw in some cardio on the other days. Food was good yesterday - had two office birthday parties (and another one on Friday) and I managed to avoid the cake. New strategy - I had a cup of flavored decaf instead. I don't normally drink coffee after my morning cup or two, but this kept me perfectly satisfied at the gathering. I'll try to remember that. I had dinner with a friend at a Mexican restaurant and I'm blaming sodium for the bounce. I'm not worried about it - I know that I am highly susceptible to the sodium swing.

Today I think I'll take a spin class and later on, I've got a meeting to attend. Slate looks pretty full from here on out through next week, actually. Lots of dining out, so I will have to plan accordingly. Oh, and speaking of dining - today's lunch is a Fiesta Green Salad with black-eyed peas as the protein source. More of that creative cooking!

And drum roll, please:

Kitchen repair starts on Tuesday! Yee Haw!

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

I Believe in Happy Endings

I believe in happy endings. No, not the white knight, fairy tale kind, but the kind where good things happen to really terrific people. A couple of my dear friends have shared with me their wonderful news - joyous, wonderful, life-changing news - and I couldn't be more pleased for them. I share their joy and excitement. I look to each of them as role models - even though they are both younger than me. Both of these women have been true to themselves and have followed courageous paths to be that way.

I believe in happy endings for me, too. I don't know what that will mean, but I do know that I can't "unlearn" what I've learned on this journey and while I don't believe my happy ending will be all big and splashy, it will be peaceful, joyous and right. And honestly, I feel like I'm living my happy ending right now. I feel like I am, perhaps for the first time, living my life. It's not all perfect here in the land of Rainbows and Unicorns, but I'm not Someday-ing it away. And it's exhilarating.

I ran the gauntlet through Food Pusher Alley (office kitchen) three times yesterday to fill my water bottle and I was victorious! I ate healthful and nutritious food yesterday. But I need to start wearing my glasses all the damned time - I was packing my lunch and at the last second, noticed I was getting ready to pack a container with half an onion and half a summer squash. Now I believe in eating whole, real food, but that would have been a little too real for me!

On the exercise front, well, today is a new day. I had planned to rearrange my schedule to take in my first ever Zumba class - well, I did rearrange my schedule to take my first ever Zumba class. And in a rare moment of "I don't want to walk in there by myself", I bailed. I don't know where that came from, as I usually just soldier right on through those things and go where I want to, with or without accompaniment, but yesterday, I just wasn't feeling it. Which I could have recovered from later in the day, but I just didn't. I won't feel guilty about it - today is a new day - and there's another TNT class on the books.

Note to tea drinkers: Please recommend a nighttime tea. Thanks.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Share in the joy.


Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Toilet Paper Casserole*

A pretty severe cold snap is headed this way, so I headed to the grocery store to prepare. I needed to get ingredients for a Toilet Paper Casserole - milk, eggs, bread, TP and Diet Coke. Actually, those items weren't on my list, but as it turns out, I didn't get much from my list anyway. Much like Crazy Aunt Purl, I ran into The Manager's Specials, complete with Big Orange Stickers and I was loathe to pass up a bargain, even if it meant the weirdest assortment of groceries since Phish was in town.

I got 4 bags of baby greens for .50 each. One bag went into today's Big Ass Lunch Salad. I'm thinking some sort of vegetarian or chicken wraps for the rest of it. I got a container of those all-ready peeled avocados - says it contains 6 halves for .99. An avocado portion went into the lunch salad, as well. I got an organic papaya the size of a football for .79. I had a chunk of it with dinner last night and cut up the rest and put it in the fridge. I wasn't sure how I liked papaya, but this was so ripe (hence the quick sale) that it was just wonderful.

I got a carton of organic egg whites that will make up today's breakfast omelet. $2.49 for the eggs and it will make four omelets. I also got two one pound containers of fresh pre-soaked black eyed peas for .50 each. I've already got one container made into a very, very spicy soup/side dish. Oh, and chicken thighs were on sale -not The Manager's Special - but good enough. I drug out The George and grilled up some thighs and used one on the lunch salad. The rest I chopped up and put in the fridge. The remaining thighs I bagged up and put in the freezer.

To round out the list, the non-sale items included FlatOut flatbread and prepared pico de gallo (which I used instead of a sofrito when making the spicy blackeyed pea soup). Pre-made pico de gallo isn't the best thing, but it sure is easy. I go through a lot of it. A couple of tablespoons go into my eggs every morning, along with some spices. They are easy to use and add a lot of flavor. I try to always keep it on hand. I also bought some Mexican white cheese. It's a crumbly, flavorful cheese and it's much cheaper than feta. I sprinkled about .5 ounce on the salad. While I wasn't bargain hunting, it's just hard for me to walk away, so I'll have some interesting food combos over the next few meals.

On the exercise front, I loved the TNT class yesterday. Loved it. And the best news is that she is teaching this class twice a week! I've added group exercise classes to my intentions for this year. I miss the group dynamic. I'm feeling all-over sore, but in that good way, not the I-can't-move-it-hurts-so-bad way. Aleve is my BFF.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Be prepared.

Please consider donating to Chickadee's Therapy Dog Fund.


*not created by me. I read the term on a board I frequent. Cracked me right up.

Monday, January 10, 2011

TNT: I'm Dynamite!

New exercise classes begin today at my gym. I'm making an effort to attend more classes this winter. Today's class will be TNT- Tone-N-Tighten: as noted in the literature This is the ultimate resistance training workout. it will utilize dumbells, body bars, tubing and bands for a full body burn. I will attend class, but I will take it a bit easy. I do want to be able to walk the rest of the week, but for today, I feel like pumping it up a notch.

Again, please consider donating the Chickadee's Therapy Dog Fund.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Be Dynamite!


Sunday, January 9, 2011

I Found The Perfect Place

I found the perfect place to donate the money saved on my nightstand during my daytwenty challenge. Please consider giving to Chickadee's Therapy Dog Fund.

TCB: Taking Care of Business

So last night I went to Elvis' birthday party with my friend Michele. I'd read about it in the paper but got confused and thought it was at The Modern, but Michele knew it was at the Science and History Museum and texted me with the invite.

What fun! Unfortunately, the pictures didn't turn out. They looked really good in the view finder thingy, but totally washed out when larger. Sorry, M. But we had a great time. What a wonderful idea - adult night at the Children's Museum (oh they call it the Science and History Museum - but it will always be the kids' museum to me)! They had activity areas set up - Michele and I made birthday hats for The King - mine had the TCB logo, complete with lightning bolt, a jar of Jiffy Peanut Butter and some awesome sun glasses complete with sparkles! Seriously, I know why people scrap book! They had all sorts of supplies set out at different stations and we just sat down with scissors and a glue stick and went after it. There was a velvet Elvis station where you could paint on black velvet! And the craft area stayed packed. What a cool idea! Awesomeness.

There were also hula hoops! I threw on a hula hoop for the first time in I would say, forty years! Got the first try! And then couldn't do it again. I started thinking about it too much - as is the fault with me in most things ;-). There was also a Beatles cover band, air guitar contest and science guy. I loved science guy. He had liquid nitrogen and was doing all sorts of cool stuff with it - including just throwing it out on the floor to roll around! There were Elvis impersonators, of course. And you could come dressed as your favorite rock star - although not too many were dressed up.

There was a great turn out! I was really surprised. There were a lot of young people - over 18 but under 21, I'm guessing, but I could be wrong. There were also a lot of people in our age group who wanted someplace to go, but didn't want a loud bar. I had a wonderful time. Thanks, Michele (who is a charter member and got me in for frees as her guest)!

So now I'm at home with SadieLu and it's raining cats and dogs and the temperature is scheduled to drop fast. We just got in from our morning walk. Sadie did NOT want to mess up her "do". She goes to the doggy day spa once a month and yesterday was her spa day. She came to The Closet directly from her treatment and was all powdered and fluffed. This morning, she smells like wet dog. Oh well, not much to be done about it.

I'm trying to muster up the gumption to do something of value today, but it turns out I'm pretty low on gumption. I don't feel like riding Cha-Cha inside Thunderdome, so I think I'll head to the gym here and spend some time on the elliptical and watch some cable television. Sadie is pretty tired from our walk this morning, so she'll probably nap for a while. Best get cracking if I want the day to amount to much.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Take care of your business.


Saturday, January 8, 2011

Pretzel Logic

Spent some time on Cha-Cha and her assistant (her assistant needs a name!) this morning. Lip synching and saddle-dancing to the tunes on my iPod. With the curtain drawn, of course. That would be a sight never to be seen! Now it's time to straighten up The Closet, get cleaned up and head over for my massage. Ahhhh.

I haven't given the rest of the day much thought. I may go over to The Modern, as they are having "Adult Swim" tonight. Or I may run over to Dallas to see the kids and The GrandBeast. Don't know. I'll have SadieLu and I don't like to leave her. May be a RedBox night.

Talia didn't make meditation last night, but I went by myself. It was good and interesting. I haven't made myself sit and meditate for that length of time for a long while and I wasn't comfortable through the entire thing for sure. I'll do a little stretchy-stretchy before hand next time. And in the "Some People" category, during QA - it's always interesting to see the people who really wish they were teaching the class - more-zen-than-thou types. Heaven's to Buddha guys, this is an introductory class to Buddhist meditation. Flash your OHM cred somewhere else. Or else sign up to teach, but don't try to teach the class from the front row. Oh well. I will go back. I am not disciplined enough to establish a good solid practice at home, so I will go back and sit and breathe with the group.

Food and exercise pretty good - save for the Praline Pusher at the office. But hand to heart, she makes the best praline I've ever had. I thought I didn't like pralines until I had hers. So for dinner last night, I had my own version of Atonement Soup. I didn't feel guilty about having the pralines, they were that good, so I did make a different decision on dinner - not to atone for the pralines, but to account for them. They were last meal good.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Be accountable.


Friday, January 7, 2011

Not As Planned

Well, we didn't get to the yell last night or dinner. Things just didn't gel quite like they should. Oh well. I'll try to catch the last part of the game tonight.

And I am looking forward to tonight. I'm beginning a five week course in meditation taught by a monk. I'm attending with the girl-half of the Poolville Pagans, Talia. It's at our church and then we'll grab a coffee afterwards and have a chat. Looking forward to that.

And I need to get over to Big D to see my Grandbeast who is recovering from surgery. Evidently, The Most Expensive Dog In The World snagged a corn cob out of the trash a while ago and it lodged in his intestine. He is expected to make a full recovery. His parents have canceled their ski trip for the winter.

Had a great lunch with my sister yesterday. She's still being diligent on her eating program, although I think she punishes herself with the workouts. I don't see much enjoyment there - but she didn't ask me, so I kept my trap shut.

I'll be watching SadieLu this weekend as Bick travels back down to Houston for another memorial service for his Mom. It's on Sunday evening and I have a command performance at work on Monday, so I'll just hang out with The Grand Dame.

Followed Helen's lead this morning and got my exercise out of the way first thing this morning, knowing that I had plans for the evening and my lunch workout is iffy.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. If you've got a corn cob? Remove it.


Thursday, January 6, 2011


No, not the lottery. I won my battle with the insurance company. I cannot even believe it. I am so happy and not just for the settlement, but for the experience as well.

Normally, I face these things in one of two ways: 1. I just slink off into the sunset without even doing anything because I'm afraid that I will get angry and won't get what I want. And just what am I supposed to do those feelings? It was easier to just let it go. Or 2. Go into it in such a defensive position that I turned everything into a MMA cage fight, winner-take-all, scorched earth death match.

Some things I need to try to remember. If I approach things as a problem to be solved rather than a zero sum game, I stand a better chance of getting what I want. If I don't ask, I will NEVER EVER EVER get what I want.

Perfect Parts

For the most part, I've given up ANTS (automatic negative thoughts), that internal Voice that talks to me in hurtful and, I think, harmful ways. I made that a personal theme a few years ago to give that up and I realized that in many ways, it's just a habit that I'd picked up and like most habits, if I worked at it, I could stop it. I wore a touchstone bracelet to remind me to speak to me in a more loving voice - to talk to myself like I would my daughter.

Recently, I participated in the exercise. One daily part of the exercise is to spend some time each day while doing hair, make-up, etc naked. The idea was to normalize our thoughts and perceptions about our body. Needless to say, this was not my favorite part of the experience, but it was enlightening. My personal theme for this year is to live more authentically, to be more real and more true to myself. So when Ellen came up with the brilliant idea for the Hate Loss Challenge, I knew where I wanted to concentrate my efforts.

I thought I had a body image issue, but I really don't. Oh, I'd like to be all firm and perky and taut - I mean who wouldn't? But as I started the Challenge, I realized that I have a brain problem, not a body problem. It's not at all about how I wanted to look, but how I wanted to feel. And that how I wanted to feel was absolutely attainable. It's within my power. I was too busy being caught up in what others might be thinking that I wasn't getting what I wanted to feel. I wasn't allowing myself to be authentic. I am too afraid of being vulnerable. Too afraid to be who I am. That because of what I'd done to my body through obesity, pregnancy and age, I didn't deserve, that I hadn't earned the right. There. I said it. I didn't believe that I was worthy. I didn't believe that I deserved it. Holy shit.

I assumed that I would look at myself during nekkid time and find something positive to say about my body, thinking that if I thought more positive about my parts, then I would be more confident and less inside-my-head-screaming "OH MY GOD I"M NAKED" during co-ed nekkid happy time. And I got my answer. All I need to do is find the only man in the world with a clavicle fetish cause I have some (one? two?) super hot collar bones!

But as I began to write down my affirmation words, I realized what I wanted had absolutely nothing to do with perfect parts - I have all the parts I need and they function just fine. What came to me as I began to write words describing how I wanted to feel, not how I needed to look, what came to me with such force that it was astounding, was that I realized that I didn't think that a body such as mine deserved to be......well. I don't believe that I deserve affection. That the underlying feeling I have during "All Skate" is that I am ashamed/sorry feel like I am subjecting my partner to some fate worse than death. I feel like I should somehow apologize. And this isn't Bick - this is me. This is mine. I've been this way since before Bick ever came into the picture. And it would be easy to make this Fred Astaire's problem, but I think the issue stays with me, Ginger. And the fact that the dancing on the ceiling is now done without the "benefit" of top hat, tails and champagne goggles makes it a bit more, well, stark.

So now I set about reframing all of this for me. As I've said in the past, I've come to terms with how I look, it's now time to shatter this belief that I am undeserving.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Bare your beliefs.


Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Restricting and Inflicting

I've had a bit of an issue getting back "on track". And it's not like I've been on some food bender over the holidays, but I have over-indulged on those things that don't make their way into my regular way of eating. And while I had every good intention of getting back in the groove on Monday, a combination of being exhausted and an unfortunate trip through Food Pusher Alley (the office kitchen) brought me face to face with homemade peanut brittle. Not a pretty sight.

So yesterday was a reboot day for me. And I'm making note of the things I do and the things I don't do to nudge myself into my life of good clean living.

Getting enough sleep is job one. When I am tired, I am susceptible to all sorts of whims. I'm also fighting biology. My body is looking for a quick energy boost to power me throughout the day.

I don't restrict. I have a history of a diordered relationship with food. When I try to restrict or "make up for" less-than-stellar choices, it usually always backfires. Introducing perfectionism never helped me. And while I don't restrict the quantity of food, I will make choices to eat good clean protein and plenty of it. I tell myself I can have as much as I want. Last night I had two grilled chicken breasts. Good clean protein sources help me back on the straight and narrow.

I don't inflict. There's a temptation for me to "get back to the gym" to try to make up for my behavior or in my case, punish myself. I no longer inflict punishment in the form of excessive exercise. While other people practice intuitive eating, I practice intuitive exercise. My body will crave exercise and I will give it what it wants. I always want to view exercise as an act of lovingkindness because I am worth taking care of and not as a way of "whipping myself into shape". Yes I enjoy exercise, I enjoy being fit and healthy, but if I do too much, then I might get to the place where I place my value on my accomplishments, not on who I am. I don't want to get into a performance based system to determine self-worth. This one is a pretty slippery slope, to be sure.

So yesterday I got lots of rest, a bit of exercise and some good clean eating with a large measure of protein and today I feel much better, stronger and a bit more back to normal. I didn't wake up with a food hangover or any regrets about yesterday's behaviors - what a great way to start a day.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Find your way back.


Tuesday, January 4, 2011


I'm having some difficulty getting back into the the swing of things - back into my routine. I was too tired yesterday and that makes good clean living more of a struggle. Let's just say I got the derailed by the three o'clock doldrums and let it go at that. I did fine with food and exercise until then.

But today is a new day. I get to start my practice over again this morning. I got a much better night's sleep and feel much more invigorated today. Which is good, as I've got some work to do. The Maroon side of Bick's family is heading this way on Thursday from Maroonville. The plan, as it stands, is to meet up here, go to dinner, and then participate in a very traditional custom at midnight before the big game on Friday. Bick and I aren't going to the game, but the events leading up to it will be fun. And tiring.

I failed to get Cha-Cha up on her trainer, so that's the goal for today. I haven't decided exactly how I'm going to Tetris things around in here to make room for my faux velodrome to have a view of the television. That may require some input from my professional designer and space planner, Pebbles. We'll see. It will be good to be able to keep some legs under me this winter.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Practice.


Note re: twitter. I don't know why I don't show up, Lee. I've got some followers, but when I search for the name, it doesn't come up for me, either. I'll research.

Monday, January 3, 2011

New Year, New Possibilities

Don't you love that image? It's from a perfume ad, but I think it's quite lovely. I am looking forward to seeing what the new year will bring. I'm excited about the possibilities. If I can use this past year as a yardstick, this year could be just awesome, I am betting it will be.

For today, it's back to work, back to my routine where there will be more exercise and fewer cookies. Between the holidays and the funeral food, well, it was what it was.

I've got my food ready for the day and a plan for exercise today. Gym at lunch and Cha-Cha and her trainer this evening.

Off topic - technical question. My public library has ebooks/audibooks for download. Does anyone know what the easiest way to get those books on my iPod? I'm thinking I would enjoy listening to some books while doing the indoor Cha-Cha.

As for my participation in Ellen's Hate Loss Challenge, I am concentrating on improving my body image. My twenty days activity showed that I need some continued work in this area. So to live more authentically, this is the area that I am concentrating on. I've selected some words to say that I can say out loud with a straight face to affirm myself, wrote them down and have posted them on my bathroom mirror. I just hope the apartment maintenance men don't find a need to come into my apartment!

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Imagine the possibilities!


Sunday, January 2, 2011

Theme For The Year: Authenticity

I will be true to myself. I will ask for what I want. I will be the change I want to see. I am responsible for my own happiness. It is my choice.

I am worth the effort it takes to live authentically. I am worth the effort it takes to life healthfully. I am worth the effort it takes to live responsibly.

I will feel vulnerable. I will feel afraid. I will feel shame. I will feel all these things and I will do it anyway.

I will not try to do "too much". The things that I can do consistently are more important than those things I can do sporadically.

Happy New Year!

I am back home and ready to get back into my life and routine. This holiday has been one for a great deal of reflection and that has been enlightening. I look forward to seeing how this year plays out.

Take good care of yourself. Be kind to others. Imagine the possibilities!


Image from